Sunday, November 27, 2011

So I Talk To My NFL Diary (Week 12, 2011)

"We champs like Magic at the point, Jordan with the 2's, Bird with the 3's, Pip with the D."

8:33: I'm up super early...I have no idea why. Unfortunately, with work today, no running diary, no watching the Pats in real time (which means most likely hearing about what happened in the game before I can watch it in DVR land). Sooooooo, yeah, there's that. Pretty sure I'm gonna head back to bed here in a little bit, but while I have my eyes open, why not do some fake gambling? (although I didn't write it down, went GB (-4.5), Miami (+6...yeah I did), and Baltimore (-2) on Turkey Day...again, I conveniently didn't record those three games and won all of them, so choose to believe that...or not...I...I don't really care)

The Red, White, and Blue Express (-3.5) vs. Philly: Vince Young is clearly a wild card in all of this, something I probably should have seen coming when Philly beat the G-Men last week rather than simply writing them off. I think really that's my only problem with this game. We just have no idea what Philly team will show up today literally and figuratively. No Vick, no Nnamdi, probably no Maclin...they're going to have to get creative. Once again, Bill, please, run the freggin' ball. 121.9 yards a game on the ground in their seven wins, 85.7 in their three losses (although they did go just over 100 against the Bills and the Giants, but the Steelers game really helps my argument).

St. Louis (-2.5) vs. Arizona: The "Chris Myers Game" is the first on the board today. Don't gamble or watch this game...that's literally all I have to say about this.

Jets (-9) vs. Buffalo: Annnnnddddddd I'm officially off the Buffalo bandwagon. No Fred Jackson = no chance.

Cleveland (+7) vs. Cincinnati: Another game that would probably be foolish to place any money/interest, I'm almost glad I'm working today so I don't have to be subjected to this giant shit-fest of games...almost.

Houston (-6) vs. Jacksonville: So if Houston had any sense about them, they would run, and run...and run in this game. Andre Johnson pushed this line up to 6 from as low as 3, but again, Foster and Tate will determine the outcome of this game. Also, despite not having Mario Williams, this defense is still pretty nasty. Jacksonville scares me because they're one of those "grind it out against the really good teams, play like shit against the bad ones" kind of team.

Carolina (-2) vs. Indy: Even after last week's backdoor cover by Detroit over the Panthers, I refuse to pull against Cam Newton...also, because it feels great to say...YOU SUCK INDY!!!

Tampa (+3) vs. Tennessee: Wait, so all we have to do is run LeGarrette Blount and open up the passing game for JAASSSSHHHH Freeman, and we could win games? Wow, what a fascinating concept that they should have been doing ALL F***ING YEAR!!! Oh my God dude, this team has been the singular most frustrating freggin' team to watch. They have all the tools on offense, and yet they do nothing about it. Then, in perhaps the swan song to end Green Bay's undefeated run in the regular season, they put together by far their best performance. Blount had his monster run and went over 100 on the ground, Freeman went over's been right there the whole time!!! Ahhhhhh!!! Anyway, I'm hoping Tampa beats them down so the Titans can get Jake Locker in there with their season basically being done. You gotta love this guy. His first NFL action is on the road down 21 points, and he promptly throws two TDs against a stingy defense led by Dunta Robinson (Game-the F-Cocks!)...again, I think Hasselbeck is adequate, but there's a potential gold mine on the bench that needs to get the call at some point.

Atlanta (-9.5) vs. Minnesota: Boy, it's amazing how easy picks are when stud running backs are out. No Peterson for the Vikes? Forget it.

Oakland (-3) vs. Chicago: Hinne looked good against the Packers in the NFC Champ game last year, but again, you have to remember that the Pack give up yards in bunches, so not really a good barometer there. Carson Palmer has like two or three of his best receivers out, but I would just keep giving it to Michael Bush, who has been arguably the most valuable player in the league in the last two weeks.

Washington (+3.5) vs. Seattle: Jesus Shanahan, run Roy Helu. What is wrong with this guy? 'Skins have a sneaky good defense that I can see Tarvaris and Co. sleeping on. The key of course will be Marshawn Lynch, who went from being a god after "The Run" last year, to being completely irrelevant, to being one of the top 10 backs in this league right now...what a journey.

San Diego (-5.5) vs. Denver: Being a Gamecock, I found it to be very surprising how much I have thoroughly enjoyed Tim Tebow owning basically all of the non-Green Bay spotlight in the league. However, I see this game, and I'm thinking if San Diego has anything at all, they will destroy the Broncos today. The Chargers are playing like crap, and they are absolutely in the thick of things in the AFC that division sucks.

Kansas City (+11) vs. Pittsburgh: NBC for the first time all year got a potential dud game due to injuries. I must be crazy to pick the Chiefs after their annihilation last week, but again, they're in the AFC West, and thus, in the playoff hunt despite being shitty.

New Orleans (-7) vs. The G-Men: Everyone needs to pray that New Orleans never plays in the Super Bowl at the Superdome...the roof would literally explode due to fan excitement or rioting...or both. Anyway, rule of thumb: Don't go against the Saints when it's a night game in the dome...I know the whole night thing shouldn't play a factor being as they play indoors and what not...but it totally does (I would go ahead and chalk that up to tailgaiting...if you know anything about southern football, you know it's on for hours and hours before the game).

One final note (you had to see this coming): USC beat the shit out of Clemson...again. This is now three years in a row that we've taken out the idiots who continue to wear orange and purple like it's so bad ass (seriously, who wears orange and purple?). If I said it a thousand times before, I'll say it again: We are here, we're not going anywhere. Quite honestly, given the passion that exists for this program, it's amazing that we have only eclipsed the 10-win mark twice in our history, and while most of the winning history of our athletic department has come recently, I would like to commend all those Gamecocks who were Gamecocks before I was born and before I went there. The history of USC sports pre-2001 can be summed up in one word...torturous. It takes heart to be a Gamecock, because no one knows about us (yet), and no one gives the proper respect that should be shown for someone who went to USC like they do with Florida and Georgia and basically every other big-time program in the south and, furthermore, in the country. I'm not sure if USC had a person like me in mind (mild-tempered in regular life, completely psycho in my sports life...and yes, I live two separate lives like that) in terms of spreading the good word about the USC, but I'm not going to rest until everyone knows us...I will say it is a lot easier when your football team is nasty and your baseball team is the defending back-to-back national champions! Ahhhhh yeah.

Alright, hope everything's going alright for ya out there. I'm going back to bed. Go Gamecocks!!!...and...

YOU SUCK CLEMSON!!!!...and....


Oh peace out!


Sunday, November 20, 2011

So I Talk To My NFL Diary (Week 11, 2011)

"Well it's soon one morning, down the road I'm gone."

10:13: Ahhhhhhh waaazzzzzuuuupppp?!?!? In NFL draft diaries, you need a two week bye period to get your shit together (and go to South Carolina...which was great in pretty much every the way, after the epic meltdowns of a few top teams, including a certain team that for whatever reason continues to wear orange and purple, heeeeelllllllllooooo top 10 USC!). So I'm back. I have a drive down the Cape to go, but once I'm there, it's gonna be cold, and most likely, the only thing left to do will be to write about football (and NASCAR...not gonna lie, I am hugely intrigued by the Carl Edwards/Tony Stewart duel, which pits the two top drivers head to head in the last race at Homestead today).

To recap Thursday's game, all Tim Tebow does is win, and I honestly encourage people to hate on him, because he only gets better amidst adversity it seems. Darrelle Revis said the Denver offense could get "boring"...well, it seems like that plan worked, as the almighty and powerful Jets D sleepwalked through the last drive, ending with an epic 20-yard Tebow run for the win. Tim Tebow perhaps just won the Pats the division, and he continues to frustrate the crap out of everyone playing against me in fantasy (going into the last drive, he had 4 pts., after: 17!)...I can Tebow to that.

Here's my preview of the Pats game: If we don't win by at least 20, I'll be stunned. The only way it's even close is if we are sooooooo amazingly rusty after a 7-day layoff that the Chiefs sneak like 14 on the board real quick. Otherwise, I see this as another game for the no-name defense to continue to iron out the kinks. How about that Jets game? Hahaha, what was going through Jet fans minds when Rob Nichlovich pick 6'd Sanchez inside his own 15? They absolutely had to win that game, and it seemed like they were at least keeping us in check up until the infamous Sanchez timeout with a minute and a half to go in the first half (Rex Ryan said it was the "dumbest play he'd ever seen"...he has been riding a rage-filled, stupefied roller coaster over these last two weeks).

We're looking at Tyler Palko, who I've never heard of...and I pretend like I know what I'm talking about. You do have to keep in mind the Chiefs, despite not having Matt Cassel, do set themselves up well in the passing game with D-Bowe, Breaston, and Jon Baldwin, who came out of nowhere to be their best deep threat option. On defense, it's all about Tamba Hali and Derrick Johnson. Hali is one of the best pass-rushers that's not mentioned in the "best pass rushers in the league, i.e. the Jared Allen/Clay Matthews" category, and Johnson, who was famous in Texas for the wrap-around punch-out technique of forcing fumbles, has become one of the best middle linebackers in the league.

So having said all that, we still have Tom it's over.

Anyway, onto predictions...haha, I think I was so awful after proclaiming myself to be on fire that I needed a two week humblement (that's a made up word meaning a period of're welcome world) to come let's make it a f*ckin' good week shall we?

Da Pats (-14...or really any number here) vs. KC: His name is Tyler Palko...again, if they score 14, I will be really surprised. Dial up the WHONK (Welker-Hernandez-Gronk), a little neon Deion, and some Ocho Cinco (yeah, that guy who almost had 100 yards last week), and it is ovvvvvaaaaaahhhhh.

Buffalo (+2) vs. Miami: Eaaaassssssyyyyy does it people. Just because the Bills got decimated by the Cowboys, don't for a second think that this team still doesn't have it. Miami's offense has had a nice boost from 2005 Reggie Bush, but their team is still for the most part awful. We'll see how much magic Matt Moore has in his right guess is none.

With A.J. Green: Cincinnati (+6.5) vs. Baltimore
Without A.J. Green:...ehhhhh...Cincinnati (+6.5) vs. Baltimore: Why is it that right now, I would much rather start Andy Dalton over Joe Flacco against basically everyone but the Steelers (who Flacco apparently owns now). I really like how Cincy has emerged, and yet continues to be the team in the weeds...I don't know how you can be both simultaneously, but they're doing it. Also, keep in mind that there will be no Ray Lewis for the first time in like five years for Baltimore.

Jacksonville (+1) vs. Cleveland: All I have to say is this: I was pining to get Josh Scobee and Jags D specifically for this week. The O/U is 34.5!...and I'm leaning under! (15-12 or 18-15 I'm almost guaranteeing it).

Oakland (+1.5) vs. Minnesota: Who's liking road 'dogs this week? Ahhhh this guy! Denarius Moore could have a monster game here. The Vikings are coming off a short, mostly shame-filled week after getting embarrassed on MNF by the machine known as the Green Bay Packers. Carson Palmer, who, like Reggie Bush, is channeling his 2005 self and the Raiders looked great against the Bolts last Thursday. My suggestion: Crush the line with Michael Bush...who literally is crushing people the way he is running, and throw bombs to Moore and DHB (Derrius Heyward-Bey)...even with Adrian Peterson, the Vikes have no passing game to be able to keep up with the amount of scoring Oakland should do.

Carolina (+7) vs. Detroit: ROAD DOGS!!!!!!!!! Question: How could you possibly like Detroit right now? They went from being a top-5 team in the league, to perhaps not being able to beat the Panthers at home. In using the Tim Tebow axiom, don't bet against winners. Cam had a terrible game last week, but with Carolina able to load up on pass D with an ineffective Detroit rush attack, and the Lions having no defensive answer for the Carolina run game or Steve Smith, I'm looking for a monster bounce-back game from Cam (or Scam as it's pronounced in the south).

Green Bay (-13.5) vs. Tampa Bay: If Tampa's offense was anything close to what it really should be, they might only lose this game by two with them being quite shitty right now, yeah, ride the Packers until they prove otherwise.

Dallas (-7) vs. Washington: If the 'Skins had some semblance of a passing game, I would be all over them in this game. I just don't see how they score more than 10 in this game though.

Atlanta (-6.5) vs. Tennessee: Finally Chris Johnson has returned from Suckyville and looks like a premiere back. The only problem here is that Atlanta has had their premiere back playing like one the whole season. How can you tackle Michael Turner? A question no one in the league has solved yet. With the emergence of Harry Douglas last week as an equal replacement to Julio Jones, the Falcons should have no problem piling on the points in the dome.

Arizona (+10.5) vs. San Francisco: I know Philly sucks, but I did see the Cards formulate some magic in that passing game, which, if you're going to beat or at least come close to beating the Niners, you absolutely have to have.

St. Louis (-3) vs. Seattle: In the NFC's version of the game that should never see the light of TV/radio/internet, or any other medium (this is what I call the "Chris Myers game," where invariably, FOX has Myers be the play-by-play guy for the absolute worst game on the schedule...and lemme check if he's calling this one (I'm 99% without checking)...hahaha I knew it!!!). Anyway, Marshawn Lynch has been a revelation lately after seemingly taking most of the first half of the year off (perhaps recovering from the greatest run in the history of the league). However, St. Louis seems to be able to put it together at home, especially with a healthy Steven Jackson bowling people over, and Brandon Lloyd putting together big game after big game (can you imagine if the Broncos held onto Lloyd?...Tebow would have McGahee/Moreno/Ball out of the backfield, and be throwing to Decker and Lloyd? if things weren't interesting enough in Denver).

Chicago (-4) vs. San Diego: I know it's normal for a team to have a letdown after a collosal beatdown (see: New Orleans getting thumped by St. Louis after beating the Colts 62-7), but the Bears basically won without having to utilize Matt Forte, who has arguably been the MVP of the season that is not named Aaron Rodgers. Also, the Bears absolutely need to win every game to keep pace in the wild card, while San Diego is looking at a division being dominated by Carson Palmer and Tim other words, even if they do go two games back, they are still very much in the playoff picture.

THE G-MEN (-5) vs. Philly: If the Giants can't avenge "The Crumble" from last year at home, I don't want them anywhere near the playoffs. Seriously, what more motivation will this team need? (sidenote: tonight is the first professional start for Mark don't want to bet against that guy)

And now, the terrible:

Andrew Luck Sweepstakes (although lately, you could consider this to also be the Matt Barkley Sweepstakes...but I dunno...doesn't have quite the ring to it)
  1. Indy (Even): So in the two weeks since I wrote the last of these colums, Indy has emerged from the crowd to be the absolute shittiest team in the league. This team gets crushed by eeevvvvveeerrryyyybody. Plus, this could have been the best season to completely tank. Clearly, Peyton Manning has reached the back nine of his career, and could potentially be drinking at the 19th hole pretty it will probably be nice to have a potential franchise QB waiting in the wings.
...and that's it...I'm telling you, we have finally found a winner...hahaha, there is no need for handicapping the rest. Oh Indy. You thought you were on the same level as the Pats, but when the franchise went down, man did we take opposite paths (namely us going 11-5 with Matt Cassel and the Colts seemingly destined to go 0-16). Quite frankly, Indy and its fans deserved this humbling experience because you will never have what we have. You continue to be Patriot wannabes, so continue to suck a long and hard one earned Andrew Luck and you earned to be one of the worst teams in the history of professional football...SUCK IT!!!

Ahhhh it was good to get all that Indy hate out. Alright, off to the Cape I go. Expect some updates right around the first half of the 1:00 games. Hope all your fantasy and gambling propositions go as well as they can possibly go...even if you're playing me (I've learned that my strong suit is not shit-talking, but rather being the silent, respectful one who beats people down). Take care everyone...

Update: A.J. Green will not play today for Cincy, but again, for some reason, I like them.

2:13: Annnnddd we're here. It's actually a glorious day in New England...sweatshirt weather in November. Niiiicccceeeee. Anyway, Miami is up 21-3? Haha, that prediction's not looking so hot. Less shocking, again, is Carolina way up on Detroit (although the Lions did just punch one in). Tampa keeping it close in Green Bay. I have only heard about the LeGarette Blount TD (I was literally 30 seconds from my parents' driveway), but apparently it was epic. Road dogs and Miami getting it done thus far.

2:19: Grossman is in for 6. Roy Helu has 3 yards? Really? I mean fantasy-wise, I'm stunned, but real-lifewise, the guy is clearly their best runner, and they go with Torain, who was awesome for one game, and Tashard Choice, who was cut by Dallas in the pre-DeMarco era.

2:23: The complexion of the Oakland/Minny game changed on a dime with the Adrian Peterson injury. He is the Peyton Manning of running backs in terms of how irreplaceable he is to this team.

2:26: I can't believe I'm saying this: I really wish I had Carson Palmer on my fantasy team. Oakland up BIG on the Vikes. Elsewhere, Torrey Smith just got dread-tackled, and Miami's TD was taken off the board after review.

2:28: Flacco's pick right there to Nate Clements reminds me of why I have Andy Dalton over him...shhhaaaakkkkyyyyy sometimes.

TD to Devone Hawaii, the pecking order is Don Ho, Elvis, and Davone Bess...he's huuuggggeee over there...I seeeeeeeeeeemmmm to do the drawn out words thing a lot today.

2:37: Haha, remember the good times Florida fans. Tebow on Thursday, and now, the ever-potent Rex Grossman-Jabar Gaffney combo hooks up for six.

2:40: Jermichael Finley now out for the Pack. A huge blow, but if any team can get by without an all-pro TE, it's gotta be the Pack.

2:45: The most efficient QB of the day? Haha, Matty Moore in Miami! 3 TDs! He couldn't beat out Jimmy Clausen, but he's making it happen for the Fish as of late. Adrian Peterson is back on the sidelines, and I just saw the Blount run...and it was indeed epic.

2:51: Ray Rice breaks off a mammoth run, but he gets stopped on first and second, then Flacco for some reason tried to scramble against the grain of the D...okay Vick. Cundiff puts in a FG. 17-7 Ravens. Nate Burleson puts it in for Detroit, then mocks Cam's superman pose. Haha, we'll see if that pays off.

3:00: Cincy driving on Baltimore after a huge pass play to Brian Leonard, who, along with Ray Rice, created a Pony Express like backfield at Rutgers. Cedric Benson punches it in for 6 after a big completion to Gresham. 17-14...tellin' ya, Cincy is pesky.

3:05: Josh Freeman is having a big game against Green Bay's one lone weakness, their pass D. Blount with another jaw-dropping run through the middle. Kellen Winslow (soldier!) just got called for pass interference for pushing off in the end zone. On 3rd and long, Tampa stalls out and will settle for 3.

Miami just blocked a punt! 35-6!!! Oh my!

3:24: Ray Rice...what can you say? Dalton threw a horrendous pick to Jimmy Smith, who then fumbled all the way to the Bengal 3. The head ref nearly got jacked up, but the Ravens players diving for the fumble for the most part avoided him, although he did take a shot to the leg that looked like it hurt.

3:28: Mike Williams...remember him? He scores, but a botched 2PC attempt to Winslow keeps it at 21-19. It's games like these they make me remember why I'm not a sharp...I'm not a complete square but I definitely am not a sharp.

3:33: Speaking of gambling calls that aren't working out, Dalton gets picked again, and Flacco hooks up on a bomb to Torrey Smith, who has had a breakout season that is rivaling A.J. Green for best rookie receiver.

3:38: Oh yeah, Green Bay has James Starks too. He's been running a fool on Tampa this drive, currently putting the Pack at the 8 for a first and goal...and this is probably where the Bucs get put out of their misery.

3:41: John Kuuuuuuuuuuuhhhhhhnnnnn is in the end zone. Pack up 9. Andre Caldwell just destroyed Jimmy Smith on a route for a giant TD the Bungles desperately needed. Detroit seems like they're wearing the Panthers out on D, grounding and pounding down the field to make it a first and goal from the 2, and Kevin Smith just scored running straight through the Carolina D. Now over 100 yards on the day. Lions up 8.

3:47: The Raiders are coming undone with penalties, and then Ponder throws his third pick of the day inside the 5. Oakland goes from being kind of screwed on the momentum train to being in complete control.

3:53: Cam Newton is in yet again, and the Panthers convert on the 2PC to Steve Smith to tie the game at 35. Jacksonville/Cleveland is winding down to a wild finish with Jacksonville inside the 5 after a MoJoDo carry.

3:56: MoJo gets it on first down but is stopped short of the end zone, then Jason Hill drops a TD, then another incompletion on 3rd down ends the game. Cleveland takes it 14-10...again, the under in that game was the lock of the day, but there was definitely three TDs I didn't see coming.

4:03: Tampa again brought it down to 2 on a Dezmon Briscoe score, but the Pack answer right back with a Jordy Nelson TD and push the advantage up to 9. Washington is on the move at the 2 after a Fred Davis reception. 34 seconds left with Dallas up 7.

4:05: Donte Stallworth is in for the Skins! Yes, that Donte Stallworth that we haven't heard from in like two years. Wow Dallas. The play is under review, but from what I'm gathering, that's going to count. Cam Newton threw a pick, and Detroit just got another Kevin Smith rushing TD. Now that's called a backdoor cover by Detroit.

4:13: Skins/Cowboys officially into OT. The 4:00 games just kicked off. First look at San Fran/Zona, my pick for the upset special today.

4:16: Ohhhhhhhh man what a catch by Jerome Simpson. First and goal at the 8!

7:07: Sorry about that everyone. Nap and dinner time kind of foiled the updates on the 4:00 games. Dallas ended up pulling it out in Washington. Seattle is all over the STL, as is San Fran over Zona (John Skelton: 99 yards and 3 picks...yikes). Matty Ice and Roddy White are having huge games in the Hottie, and the Bears continue to stay hot at home against the Bolts.

7:13: Chicago tries a fake punt, which you have to admire from a balls standpoint, but the punter of course throws a terrible throw to a wide open tight end who would have had a 30 yard gain at least if the ball was there. The Chargers get the ball back, and Rivers promptly throws another pick to ice the game for da Bears.

7:20: The Niners are a winner against Zona. Wow Skelton looked terrible today. So much for that. Nate Washington with 110 yards and two scores for Tennessee, but it seems like that won't be enough as the Falcons look like they're running out the clock. Again. predictions were way off today. No bueno.

7:24: In completely unrelated to football news, Tony Stewart is currently 4th, Carl Edwards is in 6th with 48 laps left in Miami. As of right now, Smoke is 2 pts. down to Edwards. Kyle Busch is in the lead, with his heir to the most polarizing driver in NASCAR, Brad Keselowski, in 2nd.

7:48: Finally the race just restarted, and Tony Stewart has taken the lead. Keselowski in 2nd, Edwards is in 3rd. If the race were to end now, Stewart would win the championship by 2 pts.

7:50: Edwards just passed Keselowski. We are at a dead heat with 2403 projected points for each driver, with Stewart holding the ultimate tiebreaker having four wins to Edwards' one...I have to say even to a non-race fan, this is riveting stuff.

7:58: With less than 20 laps to go, it remains Stewart-Edwards 1-2 in the race and for the championship with the deficit being about a second in the race. Keep in mind that NASCAR has made it a point to show more favortism towards wins while attempting to keep the consistency factor in play. Stewart of course has won more races, but Edwards has been by far the most consistent driver on the circuit this year. This theme has also carried into today, where Stewart has been up and down in terms of race status, while Edwards has been close to the top of the field all day. Ultimately though, it will come down to wins.

8:06: There was a little lap traffic that Smoke and Edwards had to overcome, and it seemed that perhaps Edwards could pull closer, and did, getting it to within 0.70 seconds, but once the traffic dissolved, Stewart has opened the lead back up to 1.3 seconds. We're now on the last lap. Stewart is in command, and he will win his 3rd championship. This was an amazing finish all things considered. Only two drivers had a shot to win the championship, they finish 1-2 in the final race, and in a dead heat in points in a season that started in mid-February in Daytona. Really astounding stuff. Now it's back to football to see if the G-Men can erase the memory of the Crumble...and if they can't, with Vick and Maclin and a sub-par Eagles team coming into Jersey, then they probably don't deserve to make the playoffs.

8:34: And we are underway in Jersey. Making the smooth transition to vodka/mango juice, and pulling for Vince Young...Carson Palmer, Matt Leinart, Vince Young all starting now...for someone who is about three or four years behind my time, this is actually quite refreshing.

8:37: The Eagles are the bizarro Packers. Sure, VY is in at QB tonight, but they had Vick for the entire season, who was 2nd in MVP voting last year, and a super team on paper, and they're 3-6??? Again, the Washington Redskins method of making a fantasy super team rarely translates into real success. Draft, draft, draft. This is why I put so much personal emphasis on what the Pats do on draft day. You have to realize that if we had been smarter about like four or five picks, we would have had a Packer-like team for like the last five years.

8:44: VY forcing the deep ball already. I like the thought of getting DeSean more involved in this offense, especially with Maclin out tonight, but let's save that shall we? Haha, easy G-Men pick setting Eli and Co. up at midfield.

8:50: Eli throws an equally horrible pick right to Darryl Tapp up the middle of the field...that was one of those "I don't know who the intentional receiver was, wow was that freggin' terrible" throws...yeeeaaaaahhhhhh.

8:53: Now listening to Mitch Hedberg on Spotify because this game is boring the crap out of me, so expect a truckload of those jokes coming tonight. Three and out for Philly. G-Men ball inside their own 10 now...

"Man, I wish I played little league now, I'd kick some f*cking ass!"

8:59: 3rd and long for Eli, and he botches a screen pass. Wow, VY and Eli are looking like they did three years ago when Vince was in semi-suicide mode, and Eli sucked balls. Again, this has been a blast from the past weekend in the NFL...I am enjoying this thoroughly.

"On a traffic light, green means go and yellow means yield. On a banana, green means hold on, yellow means go ahead, and red means where the f*ck did you get that banana?"

9:08: Yet another 3 and out...what a yawn-fest this is becoming. At least the two teams seem like they're getting almost to the Chicago/Detroit level of perhaps beating the crap out of each other, which would make this game at least somewhat interesting.

9:11: The BCS standings are out, and still 12th? Really? After everything that happened the past few days, we went nowhere? Oklahoma has lost to a borderline top 25 team (Baylor, although they were probably ranked lower than they should have been), and Texas Tech, who is nowhere close to any ranking whatsoever. USC lost to Arkansas on the road, they're currently 3rd, and Auburn by a point, although, again, we probably should have had two seconds at the end of the game to attempt a FG or at least a hail mary, but nothing. Anyway, Auburn is 24th...why are we not in the top 10?

"I have hotel room, and my friend came over, and he wanted to use the phone, and he said "do I have to dial 9," and I said "yeah, especially if it's in the number...I mean you can try dialing 4 and 5 really fast."

9:29: VY throws another pick (although to his credit, it probably should have been defensive pass interference). Wow this game sucks. I switched over to a 50/50 vodka/mango split. Pretty soon I'll be breaking out the oldies music. This is painful to watch. 3-0 after another G-Men 3 and out that did include Eli getting destroyed by Cullen Jenkins on 3rd down, so there's that.

9:36: Wow the Eagles just got screwed on that deal. A near 50-yard reception by DeSean is wiped out because he flicked the ball at a Giants coach, then brushed himself off in front of their bench...apparently that was unsportsmanlike. Why this wasn't assessed after the catch so the ball would be around the 35 yard line and not at the original line (Philly's own 2) is a mystery to me.

"No matter how good at tennis I get, I can never beat the wall...I played the wall, and they're f*cking relentless."

9:41: Corey Webster with an amazing pick, but the throw was equally amazing in a shitty way. Come on Vince!!! First down G-Men...there is a significant chance tomorrow's game, which hopefully will be a blowout, will be 100 times more entertaining than this (hey, at least we'll score points).

9:44: Upon further review, that shit totally bounced, so take away the pick, and we're back to 4th down Eagles.

"I get instant oatmeal and don't do shit for an hour. That makes me feel like I should get regular oatmeal and feel way more productive."

9:47: "I did a radio interview one time, and the DJ's first question was "who are you?" That made me think is this guy really deep, or did I drive to the wrong radio station?"

9:50: DeSean nearly took another one back to the house in Jersey...why are they kicking to him again? I'm looking at the replay and I don't think he even stepped out, although they marked him out at the 11. Steve Smith, the former Giant version who wound up on Philly, just caught VY's first TD of the season. 10-0 Philly.

"Alcoholism is the only disease you get yelled at for having. Goddamn it Otto, you're an alcoholic. Goddamn it Otto, you have of those doesn't sound right."

9:55: Jake Ballard is dropping everything in sight...where the f*ck was this two weeks ago? The lone bright spot for the Giants has been Zoo-Mass' own Victor Cruz.

"I don't get the regular AIDS test, I get the roundabout AIDS test. Say Brian, do you know anyone with AIDS?...No? you know me."

10:00: "Some songs have special meaning for a man in regards to a special woman, but this can backfire, because maybe the song had deeper meaning, and got cheapened..."We are the world, we are the children, we are the ones who make a better life so let's keep on giving."...remember that song baby?...the night I f*cked you in the pet cemetery...that's our song."

Giants FG makes it 10-3...seriously, Mitch Hedberg is way more f*cking interesting than this, and I've listened to this album (Strategic Grill Locations) about 50 times, but it's amazing.

10:09: Watching the video from the Occupy group out in UC Davis...really coppers? Spraying pepper spray on defenseless people with a group of people my age all gathered around? Did you not think they would be shooting this on their iPhone, Droids, whatever? You know all you have to do is wait them out, and they'll leave. Hahaha, do you really think there is going to be a tent village next year outside of South Station? Probably not.

By the way, it's 10-3 at half. I've switched it up to Aziz Asnari on my comedy playlist. This guy has to be my favorite comic going. This is like Mitch but more upbeat and with more cursing...absolutely love it. My friend turned me on to "Human Giant," which is a show he did on MTV. Check it out on YouTube, it's amazing.

10:25: Seriously, this game sucks, and it's keeping me from enjoying comedy and my parents' booze...slick move grabbing mango juice though...that was really my best call of the day.

10:40: "Nothing's happening, nothing's happening...something about a map...nothing's happening, nothing's's over...a lot of the people look pissed."

10:52: Huge pass to Hakeem Nicks has set the G-Men up inside the, finally, something.

Victor Cruz!!! I love this guy. G-Men about to tie the game up.

11:04: VY converts on a 3rd and short. Philly is driving and are now down by the 30 after an eight yard run by Shady McCoy...where has he been all night?

11:10: Philly has it down around the Giant 30. They just took a time out. I hate Eli Manning, but do not give him any kind of time to get back into this game.

11:13: DeSean shakes a tackle and gets a first down (although he stepped out of bounds...every second counts). VY is crushing third down conversions. After a Shady run to the 5, we're under 3 minutes. This game is finally getting interesting.

11:16: Hanging with Mr. (Riley) Cooper for six. Florida's alma mater continues to have a big day. Philly takes the lead 17-10. 75 yards for Coop on the night. Vince freggin' Young man...vintage...

11:24: Victor Cruz with a huuuuggggeeeee catch down the sidelines. First down G-Men.

Oohhhhhhhhh! Manning is sacked from behind and fumbles! Philly ball with 1:20 left!

11:27: Shady McCoy all the way down to the G-Men 2 yard line. Victory formation! Down go the G-Men. Haha, I think I was like 3-11 in predictions, or in other words, way too shitty to actually go back and count all of the losses.

11:35: Alright, I've tired myself out trying to get know how that is when you're drinking by yourself, and you want to get drunk, but the motivation/urgency just isn't's a very tiring experience. One final thing: Jay Cutler broke his thumb, played through it, won, but could possibly miss the rest of the regular season because of it. Also, with Hasselbeck out, and Tennessee kinda sucking, can we please start the Jake Locker era already? You have a QB who can run like the wind and bomb the ball down the might be too late this year, but if they can get this guy reps in a few games down the stretch, look out for this offense next year (they've had a miserable season from Chris Johnson and like one and a half games from Kenny Britt, and they're still like .500...not bad). Hope everyone has fun at work tomorrow. I'll most likely be completely wreck-loose, totally unproductive, and stuffing an entire weekend into a couple of hours, and obviously that's a plan destined for disaster. Sweet dreams y'all. GO PATS! Peace.