Saturday, December 24, 2011

So I Talk To My NFL Diary (Week 16, 2011)

"Football? Football? What's a football? With unconscious will my voice squeaked out 'football'''.

11:08: Well, we are definitely having a white Christmas...eve...ehhh, close enough! Never ceases to amaze me how wacky the weather changes are here. Over the Sagamore Bridge, it was like driving through a blizzard, and over here on the Bourne Bridge side (which is approx. 15 mins. away in case you did not know), we have blue skies, sunshine...I mean sure it's still cold as shit, but it's a beautiful day outside. Anyway, wait, where were we? Oh yeah, football.

So from what I'm gathering, there is definitely some underlying tension Pats fans are having with an injury list that continues to pile up (although Patrick Chung is back today), and a Miami team that has seen somewhat of a resurgence, and has managed to keep the pieces together through a coaching change 3/4 of the way through the season (a change that occurred during a 3-1 stretch mind you). One word basically describes Reggie Bush's season...vintage. Man does he have a pop to his step that we haven't seen since his early Saints days. Miami could have potentially duped the Saints into selling low on another franchise running back, with the first being Ricky Williams.

This secondary is good, but let's not forget that Tom Brady totally had 500 yards against them in the season opener, and I know, there was a shortened offseason, minicamps, OTA, etc. Dude, 500 yards? "I don't care who you play." That is pretty damn impressive. They have no one to stop the WHONK, with Vontae Davis much more of a shutdown the outside corner than a do-anything type of corner (he's more Champ Bailey than Darelle Revis if that probably didn't), meaning that the entirety of Miami's chances to at least attempt to slow us down will have to come from pressure on Brady, and Karlos Dansby, who is a solid player, but even he can't control Welker, Hernandez, and the new face of awesome, Gronk. Denver did everything they could to stop Welker and Gronk last week, and they were successful to the most part, but they were caught napping on like four or five plays and Brady just torched them, and that's really all it takes. If Brady is Brady, we'll kill it. Here's the thing: Sometimes things go awry, and it's almost dumbfounding to watch some of the throws, because it's so not Brady...and he knows it, which is why he gets super pissed when he misses a throw, or a receiver runs a wrong route...he gets a little frustrated...but I'm hoping for Christmas beatdown today...I can see it getting close at times, but I'm seeing like a 14-17 point victory here...annnndddddddd segway...

Pats (-8.5) vs. The Fins: Basically for all the reasons listed above, and the fact that Matt Moore beating us would totally be Grinching us, and I won't have it.

KC (-2.5) vs. Oakland: Ummm, so I was completely wrong about Kyle Orton! Holy shit was he good! So KC probably ends up getting a better QB in Orton than the one they started with in Matty Cassel...funny how that works out. Oh, and Carson Palmer is looking very 2010-like instead of the 2004-2008 Palmer which he showed for like a's all ovaaaahhhh dude!

Denver (-2.5) vs. Buffalo: I'm not saying you should go all Gomer Pyle on yourself like in Full Metal Jacket for betting against Tebow, but yeah, betting against him is like blowing your head off in a bathroom after you just shot the dick drill sergeant who had arguably one of the top 10 scenes in movie history (which Family Guy parodied to an amazing level last week, but I couldn't find that, so here's elves cursing, enjoy!).

Tennessee (-7) vs. Jacksonville: Lots of favorites...that can't be good for me...oh well. I'm picking Tennessee this week even though they shit the bed against Indy (who in all fairness looked really good last week). Hasselbeck is inexplicably still the QB...I'm all for giving a little leeway to vets for past performance (see: Donovan McNabb this year), but there is no way you're telling me this team is better with Hasselbeck vs. Locker, especially given the energy Locker brings to this offense.

Cleveland (+11) vs. Baltimore: Yes, an underdog! Nice dude. Actually yeah, I like Cleveland with Seneca at the QB right now. No Boldin for the Ravens, so load up on Ray Rice and make Flacco beat you...that's actually been a winning strategy in the past, and after a huge game from Peyton Hillis last week, there's reason to believe he's back to 100%, or very close to it.

The G-Men (+2.5) vs. Jets: I have more faith in Eli Manning than Mark way more faith...that can't be good you Rex Ryan.

Cincinnati (-4) vs. Zona: Kevin Kolb is I'm picking against him obviously.

Minnesota (+7) vs. Washington: Oh man, no Roy Helu? That's a big blow to the Skins, who now will be relying on Evan Royster...and that's it. All Day, defense, and wacky shit will be key for Minny.

Carolina (-7.5) vs. Tampa: I originally had Tampa, but that team has screwed me fake-gambling wise and fantasy-wise all freggin' year, so scccaaaareeeeewwww them (that's that Christmas spirit I'm talking about!)

Pittsburgh (-10) vs. St. Louis: Really mad at myself for going w/ the Steelers last week. Clearly playing the Niners in a primetime situation in their house is not the ideal situation to be in. Having said that, the Rams are just dreadful, and have amazingly got themselves back into the Luck sweepstakes by being terrible and having Indy win their first game last week.

Detroit (-2.5) vs. San Diego: This move is purely based on the amazing splits of just how well the Chargers do at home and how hopelessly awful they are on the road. This is a weird 4:00 game because it features a Cali team not playing in Cali...and in Detroit of all places.

I'd like to use this space to say that Ndomakung Suh is a total thug...but he's a tremendous football player.

Seattle (+3) vs. San Fran: Free the beast!!! Plus, Seattle at home, San Fran on a short week...yeah I'm all about it.

Philly (+1) vs. Dallas: After watching them last week, I've convinced myself that the Eagles "are who we thought they were!!!" This is the team that was supposed to dominate this division from the jump. Also, no DeMarco, no Felix Jones...who is going to run the ball for them? Sammy Morris? I mean I love the guy, but not as THE guy.

Green Bay (-insert any number lower than 30 here) vs. Chicago: The spread is actually -11, but I'm predicting a humungous bounce back from the Pack there a better matchup to play on Christmas Eve than this? I think not.

New Orleans (-7) vs. Atlanta: New Orleans, at home, at night...wait, why do they keep getting all these primetime games at home? Damn...Drew Brees should get 6,000 yards the way this schedule is breaking for them. No bueno for our first round pick we're getting for them though.

12:53: Hopefully I'll be staying on this at least until the Chinese food gets here and I'm watching A Christmas Story (Chinese food on Christmas Eve is absolutely amazing by the way). Merry Christmas everyone! LET'S GO PATS!!! SQUISH THE FISH!!!

1:03: Starting temp. in Foxboro: 31 degrees. Starting temp. in Buffalo: 35 it me or is that the strangest freggin' thing you've ever seen?

1:05: Reggie Bush has been freakishly effective so far. Apparently there's a huge mismatch on Shaun Ellis' side, so that could be a developing story. Eaaarrrrllllyyyy timeout by the ''s RedZone time!

1:08: There's mention of how A.J. Green will be covered by "rookie phenom corner Patrick Peterson." I think Peterson has a ton of potential, but he is no phenom corner...he's a phenom return man for sure, but A.J. Green should tear it up today.

1:10: Dolphins got to the Pats' 30 all of a sudden. Devone Bess (huge in Hawaii!) makes a catch to get them to the 25. That play is now under review. Dan Fouts, who is doing color commentary, just said "why would you challenge that? only move the field goal back 5 yards." Ahhh, dude, if the call was wrong (it clearly was by the way), what is the point of having challenges if you don't, ummm, challenge shit? Hahaha, I mean maybe that's me.

1:15: Carpenter is good from 48. 3-0 Miami.

McGahee was ruled to have gotten a TD in Buffalo, but that's getting reviewed...and it's coming back to the half yard line. It's time, it's Tebow time!

Jets went for it on 4th down from the G-Men 35. They ran a horrible play that resulted in an incomplete pass (and one could argue a lateral that was recovered by the Giants), but the G-Men had 12 men on the field...ugggghhhhhh.

1:18: No Matt Light, no Sebastian Vollmer. We have Logan Mankins, our Pro Bowl guard, at left tackle, and Nate Solder, a rookie, at right tackle.

Woodie with two rushes for the first down, including one with Aaron Hernandez in the backfield...I'm sorry, you gotta love the Pats!

1:22: All Wes all the time. Three targets already, one catch. Jeremiah Bell just scored a sack on Brady. They've hit him three times now as well. This patchwork line is killing the franchise! Step it up boys! Big Z punts it down to the 15.

1:29: Reggie still running wild, but a bad handoff exchange, and yet another Miami timeout has us back on the momentum train.

Back-to-back Gamecock sightings with a Ryan (Wooooooooo) Succop FG. 3-3 there, and a HUGE TD to Jared Cook. 55 yarder. 10-0 Titans.

1:35: Tom is getting killed today. Miami is stacking the line repeatedly, and getting pressure through. Jason Taylor gets a sack. 3 and out after a failed pass attempt to, who else, the Dubster.

1:41: Miami goes three and out. Pats fresh off a first down after an Aaron Hernandez catch. Logan Mankins got rolled up on earlier, so he's out of the game...jeesh. I expect Miami to be blitzing, umm, all the time now.

1:43: The aforemetioned Vontae Davis breaks up a Wes Welker pass which I aforementioned would not happen...whoops. Anyway, he's good. Speaking of good, Big Z kicked the crap out of the last punt. Fish inside their own 20 to start.

1:47: Giant pass play to Brandon Marshall. McCourty had good coverage, but never turned around to see the ball. He's been getting better in recent weeks though after a really slow start this year.

Jake Long is now on the Miami sidelines...bad day to be a left tackle.

1:48: Brandon Marshall makes a TD catch in traffic. 10-0 'Fins...this is not what I had in mind at all. Hopefully this is like last week and we can get a spark going here (that would mean throw to Gronk by the way).

Sunday, December 18, 2011

So I Talk To My NFL Diary Week Pats vs.Tebow (15), 2011)

"That rack was not built by ninjas."

11:08: Question: Is anyone else playing this week? I'm not really sure anyone seems to think so. Hahaha, dude, I want to know about Redskins/Giants like a thousand times more than Pats/Broncos...this is getting kinda gross how much coverage this is getting. Anyway...but yeah, it does have the feel of the biggest thing ever. Haha, but it's ALL anyone's talking about! So I'm going to be ridiculously brief in the breakdown this week.

This game will be decided in my mind in the first half. Honestly, we just need to go super-charged on offense and go up 34-0 or 34-3...otherwise, if you let this team hang around and have any chance, they are GD frightening right now...and it was probably a good call to say "GD" there given the holy ghost overtones. Tebow is terrifying, and the way to beat him is to go all Detroit Lions on them and put them out of their misery early. The problem is that everyone is throwing for 300 yards on us...could Tebow possibly do it today? Can't be definitively sure about that.

The pass rush is where the Broncos are going to try and continue to keep the energy up that this game is sure to bring to Denver (and really it has everywhere else). If any team can destroy an over-aggressive team, it's the Pats. No one has the checkdown options Tom has...actually there is no other offense in which the check downs are the focal point of the offense (outside of the epic down the field Gronkowski lobs...which are sublime). This again is another game in which the balance on offense does not have to be there. It's so cliché, but the short pass is going to be our running game in this one (hoping for a few Law Firm sightings though). No Deion Branch today...what's crazy is that Ochocinco, who has like 20 catches this year, is going to draw Champ Bailey (because no offense, he can't hang with Welker or Gronk...which is okay, few can). So their best player is on arguably our 5th or 6th option (seriously, Woodhead is ahead of Ochocinco on target looks).

Injuries are still killing us. No Chung, Spikes, or Vollmer again today...of course all of those positions are huge today, esp. Vollmer with Von Miller and Elvis Dumervil out there. Spikes and Chung are solid up the middle, but realistically, the battery of Vince Wilfork and Jerod Mayo up the middle is what's going to key our D. Unless I'm way off, their defense is going to be fueled by everything up the middle, which is what we do (again, they don't have Welker and Gronk...that makes a difference), and sprinkle Demaryus Thomas on medium-to-deep sideline routes. Their run game is great, but Vince Wilfork and Jerod Mayo, again, are great.

Tebow time could happen, but the attitude has to be demolition. It has to be "let's beat the shit out of them and not have to hear about this until the next time we play them" kind of attitude. If Tebow has any chance, their fans and the rest of America not associated with us will pull for him to do it again, because it's fun to a.) watch, and b.) pull against the Pats, which they LOVE to do if they can.

...but enough of all that, because that went on way too long...but at least it was only like three sentences about Tebow (okay maybe four now), and really that is all I'm hearing about this hopefully that was semi-refreshing, well probably not to Tebow freaks (five). Okay, here's show you where to place all your fake money...

Pats (-7) vs. Denver: This is not a slam dunk by any means (I actually just erased "Denver +8"), but it can happen where we can throw up 30 points before they know what hit them...I dunno have we done in like really, REALLY high-TV rated games lately? Not so hot (last big win was against the G-Men to go 16-0 in that season that I don't want to talk about). Tebow time will just want to be up by 40 when it does.

...and yes, there are other games today...I know I was shocked!!! Haha.

G-Men (-6) vs. DC: I just love when they go to Roy Hellllluuuuuuuuuu (Mrs. Doubtfire is actually on right now, how great is that)...but yeah way too much...I dunno...everything from the Giants.

Green Bay (-12) vs. KC: I wanna help you out KC, but what exactly are you showing me? Is Kyle Orton the answer to keep it close against the Packers...ahhhhh nooooooooo.

New Orleans (-7) vs. Minnesota: Again, it's like can Joe Webb keep it close against the Saints? Ahhhhhh noooooooooo. Update: Adrian Peterson will play...still can't pick 'em.

Seattle (+3.5) vs. Chicago: And I'm free...I'm free falling! Sorry to jinx Marshawn Lynch but I'm hoping for more beast mode...who doesn't like beast mode?

Buffalo (Pk) vs. Miami: Here's our 23-17 game this week...all I have to say: Thank God for RedZone.

Carolina (+4.5) vs. Houston: Why can't Andre Johnson catch a break?

Tennessee (-6.5) vs. Indy: Again, no offense Matt Hasselbeck, but I'm kind of pulling for this to be Jake Locker and the Titans -6.5 vs. Indy.

Cincinnati (-7) vs. St. Louis: This spread opened at -3.5 and moved all the way up to -7 with no injuries and really nothing notable to speak of Vegas scccrrreeeeewwweeeddd up (I like when they're wrong).

Detroit (-3) vs. Oakland: Started at +1, now at -3...we're bringing down the house this weekend! Ndomakung Suh is back to commit more assault and battery-like plays, and the Raiders can't stop the Lions' O now back at full strength.

Jersey (-3) vs. Philly:
Vick is back, but he is hobbling to the finish. The Jets made a statement against the 'Skins on the road two weeks ago, and they need this win to keep pace with us, especially since a win for us is not a lock.

Arizona (-7) vs. Cleveland: Show me 24-3.

San Diego Super Chargers (+3) vs. Baltimore: We desperately need Baltimore to lose because they currently hold the #1 spot in the AFC, and not only do we need one, but the Chargers need one because Denver is starting to run away with the division, and hopefully they will be in a position to gain a game tonight.

Pittsburgh (-3) vs. 49ers: Holy shit ESPN got a good game. This game better be worth like 1.7 billion dollars man! Hahaha. The Niners have nothing to play for, something I should have taken into account last week when they lost to the Cards...really San Fran...really? The Cardinals? This is why no one has faith in the long-term aspirations of this team (that and the Packers).

Alright, this took entirely too long. Haha, I'm getting so distracted by movies on TV right now. Mrs. Doubtfire, Donnie Brasco, Kindergarten Cop, Beverly Hills Ninja...a loaded Sunday block I must say. It's looking like a halftime of the 1:00 games journey out into the real world today, which I hear is absolutely frigid. Stay warm, drink lots. GO PATS!!!

1:22: Just sat down to a nice bowl of cereal. Now, time for a few updates. The Seahawks just unleashed the beast for a -7 gain and a 5 yard reception inside the 10 on 2nd and 3rd and goal after Johnny Knox got absolutely blown up trying to recover a fumble (he's okay...sort of). 3-0 Hawks. Update: The Bears get called for using their own players for leverage to block a kick, 1st and Goal for Seattle...UNLEASH THE BEAST!!! Marshawn Lynch with a TD in 10 straight games. 7-0 Seattle.

GB is looking wildly human against KC, with a 3-0 lead for the Chiefs and Jordy Nelson about to receive an offensive pass interference penalty.

Lance Moore is in the end zone in Minny. 7-3 Vikings.

Rex just threw his second pick of the game, and yet the Skins are still up 3-0.

1:31: C.J. Spiller with a TD to put the Bills up 7-0 in the blinding snow! Haha, I love it. Is this the first game that's had snow in it? I want to say yes. Anyway, a team from Miami playing in the snow? Yeah I'm liking that pick a lot right now.

1:33: Green Bay getting knocked around at Arrowhead...can't even begin to get into how huge of a story this could potentially is probably the only thing that could take anything away from Pats/Tebow today.

Sunday, December 11, 2011

So I Talk To My NFL Diary (Week 14, 2011)

"Dude, the ink on his divorce hasn't even dried yet."
"Man, lawyers should get pens that don't bleed as much because it seems like the amount of time it takes for divorce papers to dry is completely unacceptable."

11:26: Yeahhhhhhhh buddy! I just made the drive from Cambridge to the Cape in like an hour and 5 minutes while abiding by most of the traffic rules. Super pumped. I'm not working, Pats are on in a little bit, I am hunngggggover. Hahaha, so let's get right to the pickeroos.

The Best Team In All Of New England (sorry Bruins and Harvard basketball) (-7.5) vs. The Formerly Boston Redskins: So Fred Davis and Trent Williams conveniently start their four games suspensions today, effectively ending their seasons. The Pats' pass rush has actually been decent to really good this year, and Andre Carter should probably have a bit of a chip on his shoulder playing in DC (thanks for just giving him to us by the way). I mean I know we give up 300 yards to QBs who have never won a start in their careers, but in no way does Rex Grossman frighten me enough to think he has enough to beat us. Davis was a HUGE part of their lineup, and they seem lost without him.

Their defense is one of those that can keep them in the game, but the thing is that there is not a human being on Earth or even any kind of cyborg/android/whatever that can cover Rob Gronkowski. He just cannot be stopped. So even if they try and take Wes away (which they will attempt but in no way have the ability to hold him down all game), you're still looking at Gronk over the middle, and if that was enough, Deion and Hernandez could easily go for 100 yards in any given game...and did I mention we have a legit 4-RB rotation...oh...and one more thing...

Tom F'ing Brady y'all!!! Haha.

Baltimore (-16.5) vs. Indy: Indy nearly pulled off the most miraculous comeback in the history of the league last week, when the Pats inexplicably stopped playing football and Dan Orlovsky and Co. were bombing on our secondary. So that worked last week...the problem with playing Baltimore is that they have the ability to put 40 up on Indy, and they also have the ability to shut them out, something our defense doesn't have. So, yeah, good (Andrew) luck with that Indy.

Green Bay (-12) vs. Oakland: After a few close calls, you definitely want to put up an ass-kicking here Green me, I'm seasoned in the ways of undefeated teams (by the way, their best chance to go back to back winning Super Bowls is to lose a regular season's terrible to lose, but you probably want to lose one in the regular season as opposed to the playoffs...because it's a sucky feeking when that goes down).

Detroit (-10) vs. Minnesota: Again, no Adrian Peterson for the Vikes...although Detroit is without Suh and Fairley on the D-line, I'll take my chances vs. Toby Gerhart.

Tennessee (+3.5) vs. New Orleans: Riding the hottest player in the league right now (Chris Johnson) and, as if Pats fans needed to hear it again, we have the Saints' first round pick next go Titans!

Philly (+3) vs. Miami: Okay, so everyone is healthy for the Eagles now, and I mean at some point, they have to make a statement game saying they don't completely suck right?...These teams have the same records! Haha, really Philly? I mean I know things haven't broke your way for the most part this season, but they're Miami bad?...I have to give them one game here, even though Vick might be rusty, and who knows how much he's going to want to run after just coming back from a rib injury that sidelined him for almost a month (doesn't that just breed so much confidence in them? haha).

Houston (+3) vs. Cincinnati: Basically, you have two even teams with Cincy getting three points for playing at home. Yes, no Andre Johnson for the Texans, but they continue to find ways to win without three of their top players (Johnson, Super Mario, Schaubie). This has 21-17 written all over it.

Atlanta (-3) vs. Carolina: Love Cam Newton, but Atlanta needs to take control of the wild card with Cutler and now Forte done for the year in Chicago, and the shitshow known as the Detroit Lions who are wobbling to the finish line like I stumbled home last night, and the night before that...

and the night before that...jeesh...

The Bucs (-2.5) vs. The Jags: I can't believe I'm saying this, but I dunno if I believe entirely in Josh Freeman right now...having said that, after last week, I'm so not picking Jacksonville...even the Colts would give them a game.

Niners (-3.5) vs. Zona: Zona needed two miracles to beat Dallas last week (how great was it when Jason Garrett iced his own kicker? hahaha). The Niners seemingly are out to dismantle everyone in this division when they play them.

Denver (-3) vs. Chicago: Picking against Tebow just doesn't work.

San Diego Super Chargers (-6.5) vs. The Bills: Yeah not happening Buffalo.

The G-Men (+5) vs. Dallas: Both teams desperately need this, and you should spot the Giants like 10 points because this is Dallas in December. Also, are you serious with a Hakeem Nicks/Victor Cruz (ZoooooooooMass!!!)/Mario Manningham receiver trio? And a Umenyiora/Tuck/Pierre-Paul trio on the D-Line? This team is frightening if they are banging on all cylinders.

Seattle (-10) vs. St. Louis: Hahaha, how did the Chris Myers game get on Monday Night Football? Ohhhhh man is there gonna have to be nothing on for me to want anything to do with this game...having said that, Marshawn Lynch is on tear right now, so that could be enjoyable.

1:01: Alright, we're about to kickoff in DC. Watching the game at a bar with my Dad, so we'll see you for the second half most likely. Leaving the Army/Navy logos in the end zones at FedEx Field is amazing by the way. Take care everyone.

2:58: Oh my God Gronk cannot be stopped!!! Warn the town the beast is loose!!! Hahaha. 27-20 Pats. Yeah, 27-20...why is this game so close? Again, letting inferior teams hang around is just unacceptable...and having said that...GRROOOOONNNNNKKKKKKKK!!!!!!!!!!!! 155 yards and 2 TDs!!! Simply unbelievable.

Elsewhere around the league, Jake Locker is in the game in Tennessee...I'm telling you, the Saints did not want to see him in this game. Panthers all over the Falcons, so apparently they didn't get the memo about grasping onto their playoff chances. Detroit killing Minny off of two defensive TDs, and the exact same can be said about the Jags scoring 28 unanswered points with two coming off of fumble recoveries for TDs inside the 5 yard line.

3:05: The secondary continues to be porous at best. Santana Moss for a first down at the Pats' 30...yikes dude. Grossman with 190, and Helu knocking on the door of 100.

3:07: Complete and utter bullshit personal foul call on Vinnie Mac for making a tackle on Evan Royster, who was on the ground, but was untouched, meaning he could get up and run. Vinnie hits him with a forearm, they call it a head shot because their helmets touched on people, it's football...that would have been a shitty call in field hockey man (for the record on BS calls, that's now two against us, one against owe us another one refs!) Helu now over 100.

3:09: Once again, we can't control play action inside the 5. Grossman gets his second TD to a wide open receiver to tie the game up...again. I'm baffled by how bad our secondary is playing. Also, despite scoring a TD on a sack in the end zone, the pass rush has been extremely inconsistent today. Rex getting this much time to throw is ridiculous...he's getting Orlovsky time here.

3:19: In case you needed a reminder of how great our offense is, there you go...that a Dub-Step I can get down to! Wes Welker in the house y'all! 34-27...what a freggin' crazy game!

3:23: Blue Royster Club sightings in DC today. Amazing. They went from Torain/Hightower to Helu/Royster, and they're probably better on the ground now than they have been all year.

3:26: McCourty with another nice, what a journey he's had today. He's gotten burned by both Jabar Gaffney and former friend to the red, white, and blue club Donte Stallworth, but he's made some great plays (including a pick that got taken off the board...see: bullshit calls).

3:29: Another reception for the dubster...oh yeah, remember Wes Welker? Yeah, he's only leading the league in both receptions and receiving yards...yeah buddy.

3:33: Wow, just a terrible play call on third down running the ball. I love the Firm, I've advocated he should get more looks...but not today. We're just smoking them in the pass game, like we don't even need to show them anything else.

3:40: McCourty with another break up. Edelman, our starting outside linebacker/slot receiver/return team tackle machine/return man extraordinaire, brings it to midfield.

3:45: Hernandez lighting it up. Woodhead having a terrific day. Down inside the 5.

3:47: Pick in the end we've thrown away three touchdowns today. Now the Skins are driving with the run game and the pass game seemingly both working out. Two horrendous defensive efforts, with DC's going a little more under the radar considering we should have close to 50 points right now.

3:53: Around the league, Jacksonville continues their onslaught on Tampa. Atlanta has come back in a big way and currently holds a one point lead in Charlotte. Jake Locker, J.P. Losman, and Joe Webb are currently QBs for their respective teams. Locker is tearing it up, although the Saints still hold an advantage. Joe Webb has been tremendous leading the Vikes all the way back to within a TD.

3:56: Continuing to let the Skins stay in this game. They (DC receivers) have been sitting down in the middle of the field against our zone, and we're getting crushed every single time. Jabar for another first down. This game should have been over hours ago.

4:03: Ohhhhhhhh huge offensive pass interference penalty on Santana Moss negating a TD. We are down to the nitty gritty. Pats up 7 with the game on the line!

4:05: MAAYYYYYOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!! It looks like there's no evidence to say he didn't catch that ball. I'm thinking interception here, and if so, we may escape Landover with a win.

Sunday, December 04, 2011

So I Talk To My NFL Diary (Week 13, 2011)

"My allergy to those f*cking fans has returned!!!"

11:18: Well here we are, at long last, a return to the running diary. Hopefully I don't get too belligerent during the 1:00 games because it would probably mean that I would be terrible typing (which I already am...but perhaps I could go down another notch perhaps never seen by mankind) and the Pats are losing...and dude, if we lose this game...I'm gonna go ahead and not think about that anymore. Let's get right to it...

(I love Virginia Tech, their fans, their alums, all of it...but that was the most shameful football performance I have ever seen. How dare you make Clemson out to be any better than the .500 team they are. Even Oklahoma State's thrashing of Oklahoma was more justifiable. All we asked is that you go out and play decent...even if they lost like that, I mean, I would have still been pissed, but I wouldn't be wanting to do vodka shots at 2:30 in the morning because I was miserable that those orange and purple loving idiots get to go to a BCS game and we get squadoosh (although I'm hoping we go to the Cotton Bowl because I'm totally going...and I mean it this time (I said I was going to the SEC Championship game last year and did not...not my fault the tickets cost more than what I make in a week...and also...probably the right move in hindsight.))

Indy (+21) vs. 3 QTRS. Of Tom Brady and Co.: I mean they're not beating us, but this has backdoor cover written all over it. Indy is like KC, but with completely nothing to lose...except another they're going to be super-feisty from the jump because this is the biggest spread I think I've seen in like five years...that usually does not end up working out...and having said all that, f___ Indy, I hope they get completely annihilated today.

Tennessee (+2.5) vs. Buffalo: Don't look now, but the Titans are contending for the playoffs, Chris Johnson is tearing it up, and you can't even tell that their best receiver has been out for like the whole year...and Buffalo keeps screwing me, so sccccrrrreeeeewwww them (this is why I don't gamble...too emotional)

Miami (-3) vs. Oakland: If you had told me two months ago that we would be in the first week of December, and the Dolphins looked better on both offense and defense than Buffalo, you would have gotten slapped...or sack-wacked...something terrible. Now, we're looking at a Miami team that was a Tony Romo shuffle in the pocket away from having a three game win streak going into this game.

Cincy (+6.5) vs. Pittsburgh: Cincy = Pesky.

Baltimore (-6.5) vs. Cleveland: Cleveland = Not Pesky.

Jersey (-3) vs. Washington: Hate the Jets, but they need this one, and they usually win games they need. Hey Shanny, a big Heeelllllllluuuuu to you too (do that all Mrs. Doubtfire and what not)! Wow, they run Helu, he gets 100 yards and they win...sometimes this game isn't that complicated.

Houston (+3) vs. Atlanta: Pretty sure T.J. Yates is getting absolutely no credit. He's actually decent, they have Andre Johnson back, big-time run game, strong defense, no Julio Jones, no Brett I missing something? Haha, the spread makes me feel like I am.

Carolina (+2) vs. Tampa: Picking Cam +2 worked out for me last week. Now you're going to see a Tampa offense that's even worse than before with Josh Johnson in there trying to keep up with the Panthers scoring? Oohhhh-tay!

Minnesota (+2.5) vs. Denver: I predicted the demise of Tebow last week...and he proved me wrong...again...but this week, they have no Von Miller, and they are playing a game that they're supposed to win. I like the comeback, underdog Tebow, not the front-runner...reminds me of, you know how that goes...

Speaking of Florida alums, Percy Harvin has been on the injury report like every week since he was a rookie. Once again, it appears as (illness) by his name today...I really like this guy...someone find this man a cure!!!

San Francisco (-13.5) vs. St. Louis: And I'm totally done picking against the Niners at home in the regular season...can't have it.

"Can I win with him?...can't do it"

Arizona (+5) vs. Dallas: Hahaha, I mean I'm hoping for a December collapse by the Cowboys as much as the next guy...I think this could actually happen. Kevin Kolb may be able to wiggle away from mediocrity for one game here.

Green Bay (-7) vs. The G-Men: If they're going to lose in the regular season, this is it.

New Orleans (-9) vs. Detroit: The Saints at home at night...anndddddd scene.

Jacksonville (+3) vs. San Diego: Nothing like a front office leak right before a game saying that Norv Turner is so fired to get your team pumped up for this the way, this rumor should have been leaked like three years ago, but Philip Rivers' performance against the Pats in the '07 AFC Championship game on one leg literally has carried him into the present day. He has shown a level of incompetence in big moments that can't be rivaled by anyone in the past or present-day. How bad must it be to be a Charger fan just knowing that no matter how good your team does, they are not gonna win shit? Sort of a Dallas kind of thing but even more hopeless it seems.

Alright, it's totally sushi/hard alcohol time. Dude, Shaw's throws down on some sushi now...they have Japanese people there rolling it...or maybe they're just faking any event, it's effort, and I can appreciate (also helps that it's comparably cheap as shit). No Patrick Chung, no Spikes, no Vollmer...all I have to say is hopefully this is a precautionary thing and we're not talking long term with any of those guys, all of whom have spent multiple weeks on the injury list this year. Alright, back in a bit...passion fruit juice and sweet tea vodka today baby (Sweet Carolina Sweet Tea Vodka mind you). It sounds good, and it is good...haha, I did like quickly debate if the passion fruit was even necessary, and then I realized that I want to watch like 10 hours of football, not one...gotta pace yourself! Yeah buddy...LET'S GO PATS!!!

1:05: Hey-oh! Starting off with a holding call, Orlovski showing some life after a holding call, but get's saaccckkkeedddd!!! on 3rd down! Oh punt that!

1:10: It's just another day being Wes Welker. A little Firm, a little Capt. Faulk, and we are a moving!

1:13: Oh a Captain fumble!!! Ahhhh, but on further lookback in super slow-mo...there's no way that was a fumble...and here comes the red flag from the sock...and the drive continues!

1:17: Marv Albert notated that last 3rd down Brady scramble as being of "some nifty moves"...well he avoided concussion at the last minute with two Indy linebackers bearing down on him...I'll say that. Gostkowski FG (6th all time in efficiency kid!). 3-0 Pats.

1:21: Haha, Minny has 3rd and goal at the Bronco 2 become 1st and 10 Broncos at the that's kinda how that's going. Dan Orlovsky, as if it was not mentioned before, could become the 1st QB to start for winless teams...that would actually be an amazing feat...let's make history!!!

1:26: Annnndddd we're in "walking in cement boots" mode here. Just gotta get a spark going. Vince just crushed Donald Brown, but another 1st dizzie for Indy.

1:29: Wow, yet another great tackle by Vinnie Mac, but Orlovsky continues to march on us...this is that little spark I was speaking of earlier...don't let them think that today is going to be different than the rest of the year Pats!

1:32: Matty Ice with two picks to start. Chris Johnson just sneaks through right side of the line, slips out of potential tackles...vintage CJ. 10-7 Titans.

1:35: Indy all over us now at the 1. 3rd and goal after a near acrobatic catch by Tamme. Vince Wilfork has shown up big time for us todday.

1:37: False start! Huuuuggggeeee!!! Back that bus up!!!

Matt Forte got rocked in his knee. He's out for the game and hopefully that's it.

1:41: Roy Helu running all over the Jets in DC. See...isn't this better Shanny? 60 yards and a TD. Who's rocking it for my fantasy bench? That guy! (Arian Foster, The Firm, and Peyton Hillis ahead of him...I mean what are ya gonna do?)

1:44: Reggie Bush doing likewise. Haha.

1:45: If there's ever a doubt, you give it to Wes, i.e. Rinco, and you set it and forget it kid! Move those chains!

Ohhhh, big hit on the Dubster...coulda been illegal...I dunno, it looked like football to me.

1:47: Kinda unnecessary throw down the sidelines to Deion, who played amazing defense to break up the pick. On the punt, a near fumblerooski, but seems like down by contact. And this game continues to trudge along...not good...

1:50: Mendenhall just working the Bungles. Two touchdowns on the day. Miami with another sack on Carson Palmer. Chris Johnson is back in a big way.

1:53: That drive was so quick by Indy that I totally missed it...which is awesome. First down good guys at the 15.

1:55: Haha, they had Danny Woodhead double-covered...I'm thinking they saw that coming.

1:56: Bill told his team to not treat Indy like a winless team...we're totally treating them like a winless team. Bring out the rebel in you Bill! Go crazy man!

1:57: Okay here we go now. Two carries for the Firm, two throws to Gronk, Hernandez, Neon Deion...yeah dude.

2:02: Oh the human chain mover is back! It's that #83 again after a great avoidance by Tom Terrific!

2:04: GRRRROOOOOOONNNNNNNKKKKKKK! He is such a machine!!! 12 TDs now! Wooooo, 10-3. Yeah-yah (this is what we needed by the way)

2:12: Yeah Devin McCourty being back! Haha, oh man I had no idea!

Kyle Rudolph might get Calvin Johnson'd on his catch...I hope not...that catch was nuts.

2:15: I will never like Rich Gannon...ever...I hear him, and all I hear in his voice about the Pats is "you son of a bitches cost me a Super Bowl"...yup, we did...blame them, not us bitch.

2:18: First down at the 1, and we go play action...interesting...that's one of those ones that looked bad, but if we pulled it out, it would have been nuts.

2:24: The FIRM baby! That's how that shit goes!!! 17-3 Pats...the Firm continues to be open on Sundays!

2:25: Skins going to the air a lot on this latest drive getting them inside the 5, esp. on 1st and goal, and 2nd and goal...and 3rd and goal? And to a checkdown on 3rd down? Come on man!

2:27: Wow Antonio Brown is nasty...honestly, if Ben wasn't their QB, and their fans didn't venomously hate us so much, I would really like them.

2:57: A half hour break for food provides TWO TDs to Gronk. The most TDs by a tight end in a season, uh, evvvaaaahhhhhh dude! 31-3 Pats...oh there's a reason we were favored by that much.

3:10: Seymour just got kicked out of the game in Miami. They now break the all-time record for most personal fouls on a defense in a season...and still plenty of time for them to add on to it this year.

Mike Wallace = nasty. Cincy = not pesky. Haha, I thought one of those Ohio teams would make it tough for their opponent...maybe Cleveland w/ no Ray Lewis for the Ravens and a fully healthy Peyton Hillis?

3:16: Donald Brown is in for the score, and at this point, gambling comes full circle. Will the Pats take Tom out? They already took out the Firm, they're sprinkling Edelman in there already...also, now that the TD reception was wiped away, perhaps another Gronk hookup is in order?

3:22: Tom is back, but the offense stalls on three downs. Tebowmania strikes once again in Minny. Man...yet again...completely out of nowhere. Running to the sidelines, hits Demaryius Thomas, and he somehow maneuvers his way in for the score. Denver down 1...I'm sorry, you gotta love this.

3:30: Tom Brady...still in??? I mean, at some point, I'm thinking we need a Brian Hoyer cameo. Elsewhere, Cam Newton has his 3rd rushing TD of the game, his 13th on the season. If ever there was a QB made for fantasy football, it's Cam Newton (and prob. a healthy Michael Vick).

3:40: Pierre Garcon for a touchdown...and there's your backdoor cover. Man, if I could nail it down a little better on the other shit, I would be spooky good at this.

3:42: Percy Harvin in again!!! 2 TDs and 145 yards, ahhh good for him!!!

Sunday, November 27, 2011

So I Talk To My NFL Diary (Week 12, 2011)

"We champs like Magic at the point, Jordan with the 2's, Bird with the 3's, Pip with the D."

8:33: I'm up super early...I have no idea why. Unfortunately, with work today, no running diary, no watching the Pats in real time (which means most likely hearing about what happened in the game before I can watch it in DVR land). Sooooooo, yeah, there's that. Pretty sure I'm gonna head back to bed here in a little bit, but while I have my eyes open, why not do some fake gambling? (although I didn't write it down, went GB (-4.5), Miami (+6...yeah I did), and Baltimore (-2) on Turkey Day...again, I conveniently didn't record those three games and won all of them, so choose to believe that...or not...I...I don't really care)

The Red, White, and Blue Express (-3.5) vs. Philly: Vince Young is clearly a wild card in all of this, something I probably should have seen coming when Philly beat the G-Men last week rather than simply writing them off. I think really that's my only problem with this game. We just have no idea what Philly team will show up today literally and figuratively. No Vick, no Nnamdi, probably no Maclin...they're going to have to get creative. Once again, Bill, please, run the freggin' ball. 121.9 yards a game on the ground in their seven wins, 85.7 in their three losses (although they did go just over 100 against the Bills and the Giants, but the Steelers game really helps my argument).

St. Louis (-2.5) vs. Arizona: The "Chris Myers Game" is the first on the board today. Don't gamble or watch this game...that's literally all I have to say about this.

Jets (-9) vs. Buffalo: Annnnnddddddd I'm officially off the Buffalo bandwagon. No Fred Jackson = no chance.

Cleveland (+7) vs. Cincinnati: Another game that would probably be foolish to place any money/interest, I'm almost glad I'm working today so I don't have to be subjected to this giant shit-fest of games...almost.

Houston (-6) vs. Jacksonville: So if Houston had any sense about them, they would run, and run...and run in this game. Andre Johnson pushed this line up to 6 from as low as 3, but again, Foster and Tate will determine the outcome of this game. Also, despite not having Mario Williams, this defense is still pretty nasty. Jacksonville scares me because they're one of those "grind it out against the really good teams, play like shit against the bad ones" kind of team.

Carolina (-2) vs. Indy: Even after last week's backdoor cover by Detroit over the Panthers, I refuse to pull against Cam Newton...also, because it feels great to say...YOU SUCK INDY!!!

Tampa (+3) vs. Tennessee: Wait, so all we have to do is run LeGarrette Blount and open up the passing game for JAASSSSHHHH Freeman, and we could win games? Wow, what a fascinating concept that they should have been doing ALL F***ING YEAR!!! Oh my God dude, this team has been the singular most frustrating freggin' team to watch. They have all the tools on offense, and yet they do nothing about it. Then, in perhaps the swan song to end Green Bay's undefeated run in the regular season, they put together by far their best performance. Blount had his monster run and went over 100 on the ground, Freeman went over's been right there the whole time!!! Ahhhhhh!!! Anyway, I'm hoping Tampa beats them down so the Titans can get Jake Locker in there with their season basically being done. You gotta love this guy. His first NFL action is on the road down 21 points, and he promptly throws two TDs against a stingy defense led by Dunta Robinson (Game-the F-Cocks!)...again, I think Hasselbeck is adequate, but there's a potential gold mine on the bench that needs to get the call at some point.

Atlanta (-9.5) vs. Minnesota: Boy, it's amazing how easy picks are when stud running backs are out. No Peterson for the Vikes? Forget it.

Oakland (-3) vs. Chicago: Hinne looked good against the Packers in the NFC Champ game last year, but again, you have to remember that the Pack give up yards in bunches, so not really a good barometer there. Carson Palmer has like two or three of his best receivers out, but I would just keep giving it to Michael Bush, who has been arguably the most valuable player in the league in the last two weeks.

Washington (+3.5) vs. Seattle: Jesus Shanahan, run Roy Helu. What is wrong with this guy? 'Skins have a sneaky good defense that I can see Tarvaris and Co. sleeping on. The key of course will be Marshawn Lynch, who went from being a god after "The Run" last year, to being completely irrelevant, to being one of the top 10 backs in this league right now...what a journey.

San Diego (-5.5) vs. Denver: Being a Gamecock, I found it to be very surprising how much I have thoroughly enjoyed Tim Tebow owning basically all of the non-Green Bay spotlight in the league. However, I see this game, and I'm thinking if San Diego has anything at all, they will destroy the Broncos today. The Chargers are playing like crap, and they are absolutely in the thick of things in the AFC that division sucks.

Kansas City (+11) vs. Pittsburgh: NBC for the first time all year got a potential dud game due to injuries. I must be crazy to pick the Chiefs after their annihilation last week, but again, they're in the AFC West, and thus, in the playoff hunt despite being shitty.

New Orleans (-7) vs. The G-Men: Everyone needs to pray that New Orleans never plays in the Super Bowl at the Superdome...the roof would literally explode due to fan excitement or rioting...or both. Anyway, rule of thumb: Don't go against the Saints when it's a night game in the dome...I know the whole night thing shouldn't play a factor being as they play indoors and what not...but it totally does (I would go ahead and chalk that up to tailgaiting...if you know anything about southern football, you know it's on for hours and hours before the game).

One final note (you had to see this coming): USC beat the shit out of Clemson...again. This is now three years in a row that we've taken out the idiots who continue to wear orange and purple like it's so bad ass (seriously, who wears orange and purple?). If I said it a thousand times before, I'll say it again: We are here, we're not going anywhere. Quite honestly, given the passion that exists for this program, it's amazing that we have only eclipsed the 10-win mark twice in our history, and while most of the winning history of our athletic department has come recently, I would like to commend all those Gamecocks who were Gamecocks before I was born and before I went there. The history of USC sports pre-2001 can be summed up in one word...torturous. It takes heart to be a Gamecock, because no one knows about us (yet), and no one gives the proper respect that should be shown for someone who went to USC like they do with Florida and Georgia and basically every other big-time program in the south and, furthermore, in the country. I'm not sure if USC had a person like me in mind (mild-tempered in regular life, completely psycho in my sports life...and yes, I live two separate lives like that) in terms of spreading the good word about the USC, but I'm not going to rest until everyone knows us...I will say it is a lot easier when your football team is nasty and your baseball team is the defending back-to-back national champions! Ahhhhh yeah.

Alright, hope everything's going alright for ya out there. I'm going back to bed. Go Gamecocks!!!...and...

YOU SUCK CLEMSON!!!!...and....


Oh peace out!


Sunday, November 20, 2011

So I Talk To My NFL Diary (Week 11, 2011)

"Well it's soon one morning, down the road I'm gone."

10:13: Ahhhhhhh waaazzzzzuuuupppp?!?!? In NFL draft diaries, you need a two week bye period to get your shit together (and go to South Carolina...which was great in pretty much every the way, after the epic meltdowns of a few top teams, including a certain team that for whatever reason continues to wear orange and purple, heeeeelllllllllooooo top 10 USC!). So I'm back. I have a drive down the Cape to go, but once I'm there, it's gonna be cold, and most likely, the only thing left to do will be to write about football (and NASCAR...not gonna lie, I am hugely intrigued by the Carl Edwards/Tony Stewart duel, which pits the two top drivers head to head in the last race at Homestead today).

To recap Thursday's game, all Tim Tebow does is win, and I honestly encourage people to hate on him, because he only gets better amidst adversity it seems. Darrelle Revis said the Denver offense could get "boring"...well, it seems like that plan worked, as the almighty and powerful Jets D sleepwalked through the last drive, ending with an epic 20-yard Tebow run for the win. Tim Tebow perhaps just won the Pats the division, and he continues to frustrate the crap out of everyone playing against me in fantasy (going into the last drive, he had 4 pts., after: 17!)...I can Tebow to that.

Here's my preview of the Pats game: If we don't win by at least 20, I'll be stunned. The only way it's even close is if we are sooooooo amazingly rusty after a 7-day layoff that the Chiefs sneak like 14 on the board real quick. Otherwise, I see this as another game for the no-name defense to continue to iron out the kinks. How about that Jets game? Hahaha, what was going through Jet fans minds when Rob Nichlovich pick 6'd Sanchez inside his own 15? They absolutely had to win that game, and it seemed like they were at least keeping us in check up until the infamous Sanchez timeout with a minute and a half to go in the first half (Rex Ryan said it was the "dumbest play he'd ever seen"...he has been riding a rage-filled, stupefied roller coaster over these last two weeks).

We're looking at Tyler Palko, who I've never heard of...and I pretend like I know what I'm talking about. You do have to keep in mind the Chiefs, despite not having Matt Cassel, do set themselves up well in the passing game with D-Bowe, Breaston, and Jon Baldwin, who came out of nowhere to be their best deep threat option. On defense, it's all about Tamba Hali and Derrick Johnson. Hali is one of the best pass-rushers that's not mentioned in the "best pass rushers in the league, i.e. the Jared Allen/Clay Matthews" category, and Johnson, who was famous in Texas for the wrap-around punch-out technique of forcing fumbles, has become one of the best middle linebackers in the league.

So having said all that, we still have Tom it's over.

Anyway, onto predictions...haha, I think I was so awful after proclaiming myself to be on fire that I needed a two week humblement (that's a made up word meaning a period of're welcome world) to come let's make it a f*ckin' good week shall we?

Da Pats (-14...or really any number here) vs. KC: His name is Tyler Palko...again, if they score 14, I will be really surprised. Dial up the WHONK (Welker-Hernandez-Gronk), a little neon Deion, and some Ocho Cinco (yeah, that guy who almost had 100 yards last week), and it is ovvvvvaaaaaahhhhh.

Buffalo (+2) vs. Miami: Eaaaassssssyyyyy does it people. Just because the Bills got decimated by the Cowboys, don't for a second think that this team still doesn't have it. Miami's offense has had a nice boost from 2005 Reggie Bush, but their team is still for the most part awful. We'll see how much magic Matt Moore has in his right guess is none.

With A.J. Green: Cincinnati (+6.5) vs. Baltimore
Without A.J. Green:...ehhhhh...Cincinnati (+6.5) vs. Baltimore: Why is it that right now, I would much rather start Andy Dalton over Joe Flacco against basically everyone but the Steelers (who Flacco apparently owns now). I really like how Cincy has emerged, and yet continues to be the team in the weeds...I don't know how you can be both simultaneously, but they're doing it. Also, keep in mind that there will be no Ray Lewis for the first time in like five years for Baltimore.

Jacksonville (+1) vs. Cleveland: All I have to say is this: I was pining to get Josh Scobee and Jags D specifically for this week. The O/U is 34.5!...and I'm leaning under! (15-12 or 18-15 I'm almost guaranteeing it).

Oakland (+1.5) vs. Minnesota: Who's liking road 'dogs this week? Ahhhh this guy! Denarius Moore could have a monster game here. The Vikings are coming off a short, mostly shame-filled week after getting embarrassed on MNF by the machine known as the Green Bay Packers. Carson Palmer, who, like Reggie Bush, is channeling his 2005 self and the Raiders looked great against the Bolts last Thursday. My suggestion: Crush the line with Michael Bush...who literally is crushing people the way he is running, and throw bombs to Moore and DHB (Derrius Heyward-Bey)...even with Adrian Peterson, the Vikes have no passing game to be able to keep up with the amount of scoring Oakland should do.

Carolina (+7) vs. Detroit: ROAD DOGS!!!!!!!!! Question: How could you possibly like Detroit right now? They went from being a top-5 team in the league, to perhaps not being able to beat the Panthers at home. In using the Tim Tebow axiom, don't bet against winners. Cam had a terrible game last week, but with Carolina able to load up on pass D with an ineffective Detroit rush attack, and the Lions having no defensive answer for the Carolina run game or Steve Smith, I'm looking for a monster bounce-back game from Cam (or Scam as it's pronounced in the south).

Green Bay (-13.5) vs. Tampa Bay: If Tampa's offense was anything close to what it really should be, they might only lose this game by two with them being quite shitty right now, yeah, ride the Packers until they prove otherwise.

Dallas (-7) vs. Washington: If the 'Skins had some semblance of a passing game, I would be all over them in this game. I just don't see how they score more than 10 in this game though.

Atlanta (-6.5) vs. Tennessee: Finally Chris Johnson has returned from Suckyville and looks like a premiere back. The only problem here is that Atlanta has had their premiere back playing like one the whole season. How can you tackle Michael Turner? A question no one in the league has solved yet. With the emergence of Harry Douglas last week as an equal replacement to Julio Jones, the Falcons should have no problem piling on the points in the dome.

Arizona (+10.5) vs. San Francisco: I know Philly sucks, but I did see the Cards formulate some magic in that passing game, which, if you're going to beat or at least come close to beating the Niners, you absolutely have to have.

St. Louis (-3) vs. Seattle: In the NFC's version of the game that should never see the light of TV/radio/internet, or any other medium (this is what I call the "Chris Myers game," where invariably, FOX has Myers be the play-by-play guy for the absolute worst game on the schedule...and lemme check if he's calling this one (I'm 99% without checking)...hahaha I knew it!!!). Anyway, Marshawn Lynch has been a revelation lately after seemingly taking most of the first half of the year off (perhaps recovering from the greatest run in the history of the league). However, St. Louis seems to be able to put it together at home, especially with a healthy Steven Jackson bowling people over, and Brandon Lloyd putting together big game after big game (can you imagine if the Broncos held onto Lloyd?...Tebow would have McGahee/Moreno/Ball out of the backfield, and be throwing to Decker and Lloyd? if things weren't interesting enough in Denver).

Chicago (-4) vs. San Diego: I know it's normal for a team to have a letdown after a collosal beatdown (see: New Orleans getting thumped by St. Louis after beating the Colts 62-7), but the Bears basically won without having to utilize Matt Forte, who has arguably been the MVP of the season that is not named Aaron Rodgers. Also, the Bears absolutely need to win every game to keep pace in the wild card, while San Diego is looking at a division being dominated by Carson Palmer and Tim other words, even if they do go two games back, they are still very much in the playoff picture.

THE G-MEN (-5) vs. Philly: If the Giants can't avenge "The Crumble" from last year at home, I don't want them anywhere near the playoffs. Seriously, what more motivation will this team need? (sidenote: tonight is the first professional start for Mark don't want to bet against that guy)

And now, the terrible:

Andrew Luck Sweepstakes (although lately, you could consider this to also be the Matt Barkley Sweepstakes...but I dunno...doesn't have quite the ring to it)
  1. Indy (Even): So in the two weeks since I wrote the last of these colums, Indy has emerged from the crowd to be the absolute shittiest team in the league. This team gets crushed by eeevvvvveeerrryyyybody. Plus, this could have been the best season to completely tank. Clearly, Peyton Manning has reached the back nine of his career, and could potentially be drinking at the 19th hole pretty it will probably be nice to have a potential franchise QB waiting in the wings.
...and that's it...I'm telling you, we have finally found a winner...hahaha, there is no need for handicapping the rest. Oh Indy. You thought you were on the same level as the Pats, but when the franchise went down, man did we take opposite paths (namely us going 11-5 with Matt Cassel and the Colts seemingly destined to go 0-16). Quite frankly, Indy and its fans deserved this humbling experience because you will never have what we have. You continue to be Patriot wannabes, so continue to suck a long and hard one earned Andrew Luck and you earned to be one of the worst teams in the history of professional football...SUCK IT!!!

Ahhhh it was good to get all that Indy hate out. Alright, off to the Cape I go. Expect some updates right around the first half of the 1:00 games. Hope all your fantasy and gambling propositions go as well as they can possibly go...even if you're playing me (I've learned that my strong suit is not shit-talking, but rather being the silent, respectful one who beats people down). Take care everyone...

Update: A.J. Green will not play today for Cincy, but again, for some reason, I like them.

2:13: Annnnddd we're here. It's actually a glorious day in New England...sweatshirt weather in November. Niiiicccceeeee. Anyway, Miami is up 21-3? Haha, that prediction's not looking so hot. Less shocking, again, is Carolina way up on Detroit (although the Lions did just punch one in). Tampa keeping it close in Green Bay. I have only heard about the LeGarette Blount TD (I was literally 30 seconds from my parents' driveway), but apparently it was epic. Road dogs and Miami getting it done thus far.

2:19: Grossman is in for 6. Roy Helu has 3 yards? Really? I mean fantasy-wise, I'm stunned, but real-lifewise, the guy is clearly their best runner, and they go with Torain, who was awesome for one game, and Tashard Choice, who was cut by Dallas in the pre-DeMarco era.

2:23: The complexion of the Oakland/Minny game changed on a dime with the Adrian Peterson injury. He is the Peyton Manning of running backs in terms of how irreplaceable he is to this team.

2:26: I can't believe I'm saying this: I really wish I had Carson Palmer on my fantasy team. Oakland up BIG on the Vikes. Elsewhere, Torrey Smith just got dread-tackled, and Miami's TD was taken off the board after review.

2:28: Flacco's pick right there to Nate Clements reminds me of why I have Andy Dalton over him...shhhaaaakkkkyyyyy sometimes.

TD to Devone Hawaii, the pecking order is Don Ho, Elvis, and Davone Bess...he's huuuggggeee over there...I seeeeeeeeeeemmmm to do the drawn out words thing a lot today.

2:37: Haha, remember the good times Florida fans. Tebow on Thursday, and now, the ever-potent Rex Grossman-Jabar Gaffney combo hooks up for six.

2:40: Jermichael Finley now out for the Pack. A huge blow, but if any team can get by without an all-pro TE, it's gotta be the Pack.

2:45: The most efficient QB of the day? Haha, Matty Moore in Miami! 3 TDs! He couldn't beat out Jimmy Clausen, but he's making it happen for the Fish as of late. Adrian Peterson is back on the sidelines, and I just saw the Blount run...and it was indeed epic.

2:51: Ray Rice breaks off a mammoth run, but he gets stopped on first and second, then Flacco for some reason tried to scramble against the grain of the D...okay Vick. Cundiff puts in a FG. 17-7 Ravens. Nate Burleson puts it in for Detroit, then mocks Cam's superman pose. Haha, we'll see if that pays off.

3:00: Cincy driving on Baltimore after a huge pass play to Brian Leonard, who, along with Ray Rice, created a Pony Express like backfield at Rutgers. Cedric Benson punches it in for 6 after a big completion to Gresham. 17-14...tellin' ya, Cincy is pesky.

3:05: Josh Freeman is having a big game against Green Bay's one lone weakness, their pass D. Blount with another jaw-dropping run through the middle. Kellen Winslow (soldier!) just got called for pass interference for pushing off in the end zone. On 3rd and long, Tampa stalls out and will settle for 3.

Miami just blocked a punt! 35-6!!! Oh my!

3:24: Ray Rice...what can you say? Dalton threw a horrendous pick to Jimmy Smith, who then fumbled all the way to the Bengal 3. The head ref nearly got jacked up, but the Ravens players diving for the fumble for the most part avoided him, although he did take a shot to the leg that looked like it hurt.

3:28: Mike Williams...remember him? He scores, but a botched 2PC attempt to Winslow keeps it at 21-19. It's games like these they make me remember why I'm not a sharp...I'm not a complete square but I definitely am not a sharp.

3:33: Speaking of gambling calls that aren't working out, Dalton gets picked again, and Flacco hooks up on a bomb to Torrey Smith, who has had a breakout season that is rivaling A.J. Green for best rookie receiver.

3:38: Oh yeah, Green Bay has James Starks too. He's been running a fool on Tampa this drive, currently putting the Pack at the 8 for a first and goal...and this is probably where the Bucs get put out of their misery.

3:41: John Kuuuuuuuuuuuhhhhhhnnnnn is in the end zone. Pack up 9. Andre Caldwell just destroyed Jimmy Smith on a route for a giant TD the Bungles desperately needed. Detroit seems like they're wearing the Panthers out on D, grounding and pounding down the field to make it a first and goal from the 2, and Kevin Smith just scored running straight through the Carolina D. Now over 100 yards on the day. Lions up 8.

3:47: The Raiders are coming undone with penalties, and then Ponder throws his third pick of the day inside the 5. Oakland goes from being kind of screwed on the momentum train to being in complete control.

3:53: Cam Newton is in yet again, and the Panthers convert on the 2PC to Steve Smith to tie the game at 35. Jacksonville/Cleveland is winding down to a wild finish with Jacksonville inside the 5 after a MoJoDo carry.

3:56: MoJo gets it on first down but is stopped short of the end zone, then Jason Hill drops a TD, then another incompletion on 3rd down ends the game. Cleveland takes it 14-10...again, the under in that game was the lock of the day, but there was definitely three TDs I didn't see coming.

4:03: Tampa again brought it down to 2 on a Dezmon Briscoe score, but the Pack answer right back with a Jordy Nelson TD and push the advantage up to 9. Washington is on the move at the 2 after a Fred Davis reception. 34 seconds left with Dallas up 7.

4:05: Donte Stallworth is in for the Skins! Yes, that Donte Stallworth that we haven't heard from in like two years. Wow Dallas. The play is under review, but from what I'm gathering, that's going to count. Cam Newton threw a pick, and Detroit just got another Kevin Smith rushing TD. Now that's called a backdoor cover by Detroit.

4:13: Skins/Cowboys officially into OT. The 4:00 games just kicked off. First look at San Fran/Zona, my pick for the upset special today.

4:16: Ohhhhhhhh man what a catch by Jerome Simpson. First and goal at the 8!

7:07: Sorry about that everyone. Nap and dinner time kind of foiled the updates on the 4:00 games. Dallas ended up pulling it out in Washington. Seattle is all over the STL, as is San Fran over Zona (John Skelton: 99 yards and 3 picks...yikes). Matty Ice and Roddy White are having huge games in the Hottie, and the Bears continue to stay hot at home against the Bolts.

7:13: Chicago tries a fake punt, which you have to admire from a balls standpoint, but the punter of course throws a terrible throw to a wide open tight end who would have had a 30 yard gain at least if the ball was there. The Chargers get the ball back, and Rivers promptly throws another pick to ice the game for da Bears.

7:20: The Niners are a winner against Zona. Wow Skelton looked terrible today. So much for that. Nate Washington with 110 yards and two scores for Tennessee, but it seems like that won't be enough as the Falcons look like they're running out the clock. Again. predictions were way off today. No bueno.

7:24: In completely unrelated to football news, Tony Stewart is currently 4th, Carl Edwards is in 6th with 48 laps left in Miami. As of right now, Smoke is 2 pts. down to Edwards. Kyle Busch is in the lead, with his heir to the most polarizing driver in NASCAR, Brad Keselowski, in 2nd.

7:48: Finally the race just restarted, and Tony Stewart has taken the lead. Keselowski in 2nd, Edwards is in 3rd. If the race were to end now, Stewart would win the championship by 2 pts.

7:50: Edwards just passed Keselowski. We are at a dead heat with 2403 projected points for each driver, with Stewart holding the ultimate tiebreaker having four wins to Edwards' one...I have to say even to a non-race fan, this is riveting stuff.

7:58: With less than 20 laps to go, it remains Stewart-Edwards 1-2 in the race and for the championship with the deficit being about a second in the race. Keep in mind that NASCAR has made it a point to show more favortism towards wins while attempting to keep the consistency factor in play. Stewart of course has won more races, but Edwards has been by far the most consistent driver on the circuit this year. This theme has also carried into today, where Stewart has been up and down in terms of race status, while Edwards has been close to the top of the field all day. Ultimately though, it will come down to wins.

8:06: There was a little lap traffic that Smoke and Edwards had to overcome, and it seemed that perhaps Edwards could pull closer, and did, getting it to within 0.70 seconds, but once the traffic dissolved, Stewart has opened the lead back up to 1.3 seconds. We're now on the last lap. Stewart is in command, and he will win his 3rd championship. This was an amazing finish all things considered. Only two drivers had a shot to win the championship, they finish 1-2 in the final race, and in a dead heat in points in a season that started in mid-February in Daytona. Really astounding stuff. Now it's back to football to see if the G-Men can erase the memory of the Crumble...and if they can't, with Vick and Maclin and a sub-par Eagles team coming into Jersey, then they probably don't deserve to make the playoffs.

8:34: And we are underway in Jersey. Making the smooth transition to vodka/mango juice, and pulling for Vince Young...Carson Palmer, Matt Leinart, Vince Young all starting now...for someone who is about three or four years behind my time, this is actually quite refreshing.

8:37: The Eagles are the bizarro Packers. Sure, VY is in at QB tonight, but they had Vick for the entire season, who was 2nd in MVP voting last year, and a super team on paper, and they're 3-6??? Again, the Washington Redskins method of making a fantasy super team rarely translates into real success. Draft, draft, draft. This is why I put so much personal emphasis on what the Pats do on draft day. You have to realize that if we had been smarter about like four or five picks, we would have had a Packer-like team for like the last five years.

8:44: VY forcing the deep ball already. I like the thought of getting DeSean more involved in this offense, especially with Maclin out tonight, but let's save that shall we? Haha, easy G-Men pick setting Eli and Co. up at midfield.

8:50: Eli throws an equally horrible pick right to Darryl Tapp up the middle of the field...that was one of those "I don't know who the intentional receiver was, wow was that freggin' terrible" throws...yeeeaaaaahhhhhh.

8:53: Now listening to Mitch Hedberg on Spotify because this game is boring the crap out of me, so expect a truckload of those jokes coming tonight. Three and out for Philly. G-Men ball inside their own 10 now...

"Man, I wish I played little league now, I'd kick some f*cking ass!"

8:59: 3rd and long for Eli, and he botches a screen pass. Wow, VY and Eli are looking like they did three years ago when Vince was in semi-suicide mode, and Eli sucked balls. Again, this has been a blast from the past weekend in the NFL...I am enjoying this thoroughly.

"On a traffic light, green means go and yellow means yield. On a banana, green means hold on, yellow means go ahead, and red means where the f*ck did you get that banana?"

9:08: Yet another 3 and out...what a yawn-fest this is becoming. At least the two teams seem like they're getting almost to the Chicago/Detroit level of perhaps beating the crap out of each other, which would make this game at least somewhat interesting.

9:11: The BCS standings are out, and still 12th? Really? After everything that happened the past few days, we went nowhere? Oklahoma has lost to a borderline top 25 team (Baylor, although they were probably ranked lower than they should have been), and Texas Tech, who is nowhere close to any ranking whatsoever. USC lost to Arkansas on the road, they're currently 3rd, and Auburn by a point, although, again, we probably should have had two seconds at the end of the game to attempt a FG or at least a hail mary, but nothing. Anyway, Auburn is 24th...why are we not in the top 10?

"I have hotel room, and my friend came over, and he wanted to use the phone, and he said "do I have to dial 9," and I said "yeah, especially if it's in the number...I mean you can try dialing 4 and 5 really fast."

9:29: VY throws another pick (although to his credit, it probably should have been defensive pass interference). Wow this game sucks. I switched over to a 50/50 vodka/mango split. Pretty soon I'll be breaking out the oldies music. This is painful to watch. 3-0 after another G-Men 3 and out that did include Eli getting destroyed by Cullen Jenkins on 3rd down, so there's that.

9:36: Wow the Eagles just got screwed on that deal. A near 50-yard reception by DeSean is wiped out because he flicked the ball at a Giants coach, then brushed himself off in front of their bench...apparently that was unsportsmanlike. Why this wasn't assessed after the catch so the ball would be around the 35 yard line and not at the original line (Philly's own 2) is a mystery to me.

"No matter how good at tennis I get, I can never beat the wall...I played the wall, and they're f*cking relentless."

9:41: Corey Webster with an amazing pick, but the throw was equally amazing in a shitty way. Come on Vince!!! First down G-Men...there is a significant chance tomorrow's game, which hopefully will be a blowout, will be 100 times more entertaining than this (hey, at least we'll score points).

9:44: Upon further review, that shit totally bounced, so take away the pick, and we're back to 4th down Eagles.

"I get instant oatmeal and don't do shit for an hour. That makes me feel like I should get regular oatmeal and feel way more productive."

9:47: "I did a radio interview one time, and the DJ's first question was "who are you?" That made me think is this guy really deep, or did I drive to the wrong radio station?"

9:50: DeSean nearly took another one back to the house in Jersey...why are they kicking to him again? I'm looking at the replay and I don't think he even stepped out, although they marked him out at the 11. Steve Smith, the former Giant version who wound up on Philly, just caught VY's first TD of the season. 10-0 Philly.

"Alcoholism is the only disease you get yelled at for having. Goddamn it Otto, you're an alcoholic. Goddamn it Otto, you have of those doesn't sound right."

9:55: Jake Ballard is dropping everything in sight...where the f*ck was this two weeks ago? The lone bright spot for the Giants has been Zoo-Mass' own Victor Cruz.

"I don't get the regular AIDS test, I get the roundabout AIDS test. Say Brian, do you know anyone with AIDS?...No? you know me."

10:00: "Some songs have special meaning for a man in regards to a special woman, but this can backfire, because maybe the song had deeper meaning, and got cheapened..."We are the world, we are the children, we are the ones who make a better life so let's keep on giving."...remember that song baby?...the night I f*cked you in the pet cemetery...that's our song."

Giants FG makes it 10-3...seriously, Mitch Hedberg is way more f*cking interesting than this, and I've listened to this album (Strategic Grill Locations) about 50 times, but it's amazing.

10:09: Watching the video from the Occupy group out in UC Davis...really coppers? Spraying pepper spray on defenseless people with a group of people my age all gathered around? Did you not think they would be shooting this on their iPhone, Droids, whatever? You know all you have to do is wait them out, and they'll leave. Hahaha, do you really think there is going to be a tent village next year outside of South Station? Probably not.

By the way, it's 10-3 at half. I've switched it up to Aziz Asnari on my comedy playlist. This guy has to be my favorite comic going. This is like Mitch but more upbeat and with more cursing...absolutely love it. My friend turned me on to "Human Giant," which is a show he did on MTV. Check it out on YouTube, it's amazing.

10:25: Seriously, this game sucks, and it's keeping me from enjoying comedy and my parents' booze...slick move grabbing mango juice though...that was really my best call of the day.

10:40: "Nothing's happening, nothing's happening...something about a map...nothing's happening, nothing's's over...a lot of the people look pissed."

10:52: Huge pass to Hakeem Nicks has set the G-Men up inside the, finally, something.

Victor Cruz!!! I love this guy. G-Men about to tie the game up.

11:04: VY converts on a 3rd and short. Philly is driving and are now down by the 30 after an eight yard run by Shady McCoy...where has he been all night?

11:10: Philly has it down around the Giant 30. They just took a time out. I hate Eli Manning, but do not give him any kind of time to get back into this game.

11:13: DeSean shakes a tackle and gets a first down (although he stepped out of bounds...every second counts). VY is crushing third down conversions. After a Shady run to the 5, we're under 3 minutes. This game is finally getting interesting.

11:16: Hanging with Mr. (Riley) Cooper for six. Florida's alma mater continues to have a big day. Philly takes the lead 17-10. 75 yards for Coop on the night. Vince freggin' Young man...vintage...

11:24: Victor Cruz with a huuuuggggeeeee catch down the sidelines. First down G-Men.

Oohhhhhhhhh! Manning is sacked from behind and fumbles! Philly ball with 1:20 left!

11:27: Shady McCoy all the way down to the G-Men 2 yard line. Victory formation! Down go the G-Men. Haha, I think I was like 3-11 in predictions, or in other words, way too shitty to actually go back and count all of the losses.

11:35: Alright, I've tired myself out trying to get know how that is when you're drinking by yourself, and you want to get drunk, but the motivation/urgency just isn't's a very tiring experience. One final thing: Jay Cutler broke his thumb, played through it, won, but could possibly miss the rest of the regular season because of it. Also, with Hasselbeck out, and Tennessee kinda sucking, can we please start the Jake Locker era already? You have a QB who can run like the wind and bomb the ball down the might be too late this year, but if they can get this guy reps in a few games down the stretch, look out for this offense next year (they've had a miserable season from Chris Johnson and like one and a half games from Kenny Britt, and they're still like .500...not bad). Hope everyone has fun at work tomorrow. I'll most likely be completely wreck-loose, totally unproductive, and stuffing an entire weekend into a couple of hours, and obviously that's a plan destined for disaster. Sweet dreams y'all. GO PATS! Peace.