Saturday, December 24, 2011

So I Talk To My NFL Diary (Week 16, 2011)

"Football? Football? What's a football? With unconscious will my voice squeaked out 'football'''.

11:08: Well, we are definitely having a white Christmas...eve...ehhh, close enough! Never ceases to amaze me how wacky the weather changes are here. Over the Sagamore Bridge, it was like driving through a blizzard, and over here on the Bourne Bridge side (which is approx. 15 mins. away in case you did not know), we have blue skies, sunshine...I mean sure it's still cold as shit, but it's a beautiful day outside. Anyway, wait, where were we? Oh yeah, football.

So from what I'm gathering, there is definitely some underlying tension Pats fans are having with an injury list that continues to pile up (although Patrick Chung is back today), and a Miami team that has seen somewhat of a resurgence, and has managed to keep the pieces together through a coaching change 3/4 of the way through the season (a change that occurred during a 3-1 stretch mind you). One word basically describes Reggie Bush's season...vintage. Man does he have a pop to his step that we haven't seen since his early Saints days. Miami could have potentially duped the Saints into selling low on another franchise running back, with the first being Ricky Williams.

This secondary is good, but let's not forget that Tom Brady totally had 500 yards against them in the season opener, and I know, there was a shortened offseason, minicamps, OTA, etc. Dude, 500 yards? "I don't care who you play." That is pretty damn impressive. They have no one to stop the WHONK, with Vontae Davis much more of a shutdown the outside corner than a do-anything type of corner (he's more Champ Bailey than Darelle Revis if that probably didn't), meaning that the entirety of Miami's chances to at least attempt to slow us down will have to come from pressure on Brady, and Karlos Dansby, who is a solid player, but even he can't control Welker, Hernandez, and the new face of awesome, Gronk. Denver did everything they could to stop Welker and Gronk last week, and they were successful to the most part, but they were caught napping on like four or five plays and Brady just torched them, and that's really all it takes. If Brady is Brady, we'll kill it. Here's the thing: Sometimes things go awry, and it's almost dumbfounding to watch some of the throws, because it's so not Brady...and he knows it, which is why he gets super pissed when he misses a throw, or a receiver runs a wrong route...he gets a little frustrated...but I'm hoping for Christmas beatdown today...I can see it getting close at times, but I'm seeing like a 14-17 point victory here...annnndddddddd segway...

Pats (-8.5) vs. The Fins: Basically for all the reasons listed above, and the fact that Matt Moore beating us would totally be Grinching us, and I won't have it.

KC (-2.5) vs. Oakland: Ummm, so I was completely wrong about Kyle Orton! Holy shit was he good! So KC probably ends up getting a better QB in Orton than the one they started with in Matty Cassel...funny how that works out. Oh, and Carson Palmer is looking very 2010-like instead of the 2004-2008 Palmer which he showed for like a's all ovaaaahhhh dude!

Denver (-2.5) vs. Buffalo: I'm not saying you should go all Gomer Pyle on yourself like in Full Metal Jacket for betting against Tebow, but yeah, betting against him is like blowing your head off in a bathroom after you just shot the dick drill sergeant who had arguably one of the top 10 scenes in movie history (which Family Guy parodied to an amazing level last week, but I couldn't find that, so here's elves cursing, enjoy!).

Tennessee (-7) vs. Jacksonville: Lots of favorites...that can't be good for me...oh well. I'm picking Tennessee this week even though they shit the bed against Indy (who in all fairness looked really good last week). Hasselbeck is inexplicably still the QB...I'm all for giving a little leeway to vets for past performance (see: Donovan McNabb this year), but there is no way you're telling me this team is better with Hasselbeck vs. Locker, especially given the energy Locker brings to this offense.

Cleveland (+11) vs. Baltimore: Yes, an underdog! Nice dude. Actually yeah, I like Cleveland with Seneca at the QB right now. No Boldin for the Ravens, so load up on Ray Rice and make Flacco beat you...that's actually been a winning strategy in the past, and after a huge game from Peyton Hillis last week, there's reason to believe he's back to 100%, or very close to it.

The G-Men (+2.5) vs. Jets: I have more faith in Eli Manning than Mark way more faith...that can't be good you Rex Ryan.

Cincinnati (-4) vs. Zona: Kevin Kolb is I'm picking against him obviously.

Minnesota (+7) vs. Washington: Oh man, no Roy Helu? That's a big blow to the Skins, who now will be relying on Evan Royster...and that's it. All Day, defense, and wacky shit will be key for Minny.

Carolina (-7.5) vs. Tampa: I originally had Tampa, but that team has screwed me fake-gambling wise and fantasy-wise all freggin' year, so scccaaaareeeeewwww them (that's that Christmas spirit I'm talking about!)

Pittsburgh (-10) vs. St. Louis: Really mad at myself for going w/ the Steelers last week. Clearly playing the Niners in a primetime situation in their house is not the ideal situation to be in. Having said that, the Rams are just dreadful, and have amazingly got themselves back into the Luck sweepstakes by being terrible and having Indy win their first game last week.

Detroit (-2.5) vs. San Diego: This move is purely based on the amazing splits of just how well the Chargers do at home and how hopelessly awful they are on the road. This is a weird 4:00 game because it features a Cali team not playing in Cali...and in Detroit of all places.

I'd like to use this space to say that Ndomakung Suh is a total thug...but he's a tremendous football player.

Seattle (+3) vs. San Fran: Free the beast!!! Plus, Seattle at home, San Fran on a short week...yeah I'm all about it.

Philly (+1) vs. Dallas: After watching them last week, I've convinced myself that the Eagles "are who we thought they were!!!" This is the team that was supposed to dominate this division from the jump. Also, no DeMarco, no Felix Jones...who is going to run the ball for them? Sammy Morris? I mean I love the guy, but not as THE guy.

Green Bay (-insert any number lower than 30 here) vs. Chicago: The spread is actually -11, but I'm predicting a humungous bounce back from the Pack there a better matchup to play on Christmas Eve than this? I think not.

New Orleans (-7) vs. Atlanta: New Orleans, at home, at night...wait, why do they keep getting all these primetime games at home? Damn...Drew Brees should get 6,000 yards the way this schedule is breaking for them. No bueno for our first round pick we're getting for them though.

12:53: Hopefully I'll be staying on this at least until the Chinese food gets here and I'm watching A Christmas Story (Chinese food on Christmas Eve is absolutely amazing by the way). Merry Christmas everyone! LET'S GO PATS!!! SQUISH THE FISH!!!

1:03: Starting temp. in Foxboro: 31 degrees. Starting temp. in Buffalo: 35 it me or is that the strangest freggin' thing you've ever seen?

1:05: Reggie Bush has been freakishly effective so far. Apparently there's a huge mismatch on Shaun Ellis' side, so that could be a developing story. Eaaarrrrllllyyyy timeout by the ''s RedZone time!

1:08: There's mention of how A.J. Green will be covered by "rookie phenom corner Patrick Peterson." I think Peterson has a ton of potential, but he is no phenom corner...he's a phenom return man for sure, but A.J. Green should tear it up today.

1:10: Dolphins got to the Pats' 30 all of a sudden. Devone Bess (huge in Hawaii!) makes a catch to get them to the 25. That play is now under review. Dan Fouts, who is doing color commentary, just said "why would you challenge that? only move the field goal back 5 yards." Ahhh, dude, if the call was wrong (it clearly was by the way), what is the point of having challenges if you don't, ummm, challenge shit? Hahaha, I mean maybe that's me.

1:15: Carpenter is good from 48. 3-0 Miami.

McGahee was ruled to have gotten a TD in Buffalo, but that's getting reviewed...and it's coming back to the half yard line. It's time, it's Tebow time!

Jets went for it on 4th down from the G-Men 35. They ran a horrible play that resulted in an incomplete pass (and one could argue a lateral that was recovered by the Giants), but the G-Men had 12 men on the field...ugggghhhhhh.

1:18: No Matt Light, no Sebastian Vollmer. We have Logan Mankins, our Pro Bowl guard, at left tackle, and Nate Solder, a rookie, at right tackle.

Woodie with two rushes for the first down, including one with Aaron Hernandez in the backfield...I'm sorry, you gotta love the Pats!

1:22: All Wes all the time. Three targets already, one catch. Jeremiah Bell just scored a sack on Brady. They've hit him three times now as well. This patchwork line is killing the franchise! Step it up boys! Big Z punts it down to the 15.

1:29: Reggie still running wild, but a bad handoff exchange, and yet another Miami timeout has us back on the momentum train.

Back-to-back Gamecock sightings with a Ryan (Wooooooooo) Succop FG. 3-3 there, and a HUGE TD to Jared Cook. 55 yarder. 10-0 Titans.

1:35: Tom is getting killed today. Miami is stacking the line repeatedly, and getting pressure through. Jason Taylor gets a sack. 3 and out after a failed pass attempt to, who else, the Dubster.

1:41: Miami goes three and out. Pats fresh off a first down after an Aaron Hernandez catch. Logan Mankins got rolled up on earlier, so he's out of the game...jeesh. I expect Miami to be blitzing, umm, all the time now.

1:43: The aforemetioned Vontae Davis breaks up a Wes Welker pass which I aforementioned would not happen...whoops. Anyway, he's good. Speaking of good, Big Z kicked the crap out of the last punt. Fish inside their own 20 to start.

1:47: Giant pass play to Brandon Marshall. McCourty had good coverage, but never turned around to see the ball. He's been getting better in recent weeks though after a really slow start this year.

Jake Long is now on the Miami sidelines...bad day to be a left tackle.

1:48: Brandon Marshall makes a TD catch in traffic. 10-0 'Fins...this is not what I had in mind at all. Hopefully this is like last week and we can get a spark going here (that would mean throw to Gronk by the way).

Sunday, December 18, 2011

So I Talk To My NFL Diary Week Pats vs.Tebow (15), 2011)

"That rack was not built by ninjas."

11:08: Question: Is anyone else playing this week? I'm not really sure anyone seems to think so. Hahaha, dude, I want to know about Redskins/Giants like a thousand times more than Pats/Broncos...this is getting kinda gross how much coverage this is getting. Anyway...but yeah, it does have the feel of the biggest thing ever. Haha, but it's ALL anyone's talking about! So I'm going to be ridiculously brief in the breakdown this week.

This game will be decided in my mind in the first half. Honestly, we just need to go super-charged on offense and go up 34-0 or 34-3...otherwise, if you let this team hang around and have any chance, they are GD frightening right now...and it was probably a good call to say "GD" there given the holy ghost overtones. Tebow is terrifying, and the way to beat him is to go all Detroit Lions on them and put them out of their misery early. The problem is that everyone is throwing for 300 yards on us...could Tebow possibly do it today? Can't be definitively sure about that.

The pass rush is where the Broncos are going to try and continue to keep the energy up that this game is sure to bring to Denver (and really it has everywhere else). If any team can destroy an over-aggressive team, it's the Pats. No one has the checkdown options Tom has...actually there is no other offense in which the check downs are the focal point of the offense (outside of the epic down the field Gronkowski lobs...which are sublime). This again is another game in which the balance on offense does not have to be there. It's so cliché, but the short pass is going to be our running game in this one (hoping for a few Law Firm sightings though). No Deion Branch today...what's crazy is that Ochocinco, who has like 20 catches this year, is going to draw Champ Bailey (because no offense, he can't hang with Welker or Gronk...which is okay, few can). So their best player is on arguably our 5th or 6th option (seriously, Woodhead is ahead of Ochocinco on target looks).

Injuries are still killing us. No Chung, Spikes, or Vollmer again today...of course all of those positions are huge today, esp. Vollmer with Von Miller and Elvis Dumervil out there. Spikes and Chung are solid up the middle, but realistically, the battery of Vince Wilfork and Jerod Mayo up the middle is what's going to key our D. Unless I'm way off, their defense is going to be fueled by everything up the middle, which is what we do (again, they don't have Welker and Gronk...that makes a difference), and sprinkle Demaryus Thomas on medium-to-deep sideline routes. Their run game is great, but Vince Wilfork and Jerod Mayo, again, are great.

Tebow time could happen, but the attitude has to be demolition. It has to be "let's beat the shit out of them and not have to hear about this until the next time we play them" kind of attitude. If Tebow has any chance, their fans and the rest of America not associated with us will pull for him to do it again, because it's fun to a.) watch, and b.) pull against the Pats, which they LOVE to do if they can.

...but enough of all that, because that went on way too long...but at least it was only like three sentences about Tebow (okay maybe four now), and really that is all I'm hearing about this hopefully that was semi-refreshing, well probably not to Tebow freaks (five). Okay, here's show you where to place all your fake money...

Pats (-7) vs. Denver: This is not a slam dunk by any means (I actually just erased "Denver +8"), but it can happen where we can throw up 30 points before they know what hit them...I dunno have we done in like really, REALLY high-TV rated games lately? Not so hot (last big win was against the G-Men to go 16-0 in that season that I don't want to talk about). Tebow time will just want to be up by 40 when it does.

...and yes, there are other games today...I know I was shocked!!! Haha.

G-Men (-6) vs. DC: I just love when they go to Roy Hellllluuuuuuuuuu (Mrs. Doubtfire is actually on right now, how great is that)...but yeah way too much...I dunno...everything from the Giants.

Green Bay (-12) vs. KC: I wanna help you out KC, but what exactly are you showing me? Is Kyle Orton the answer to keep it close against the Packers...ahhhhh nooooooooo.

New Orleans (-7) vs. Minnesota: Again, it's like can Joe Webb keep it close against the Saints? Ahhhhhh noooooooooo. Update: Adrian Peterson will play...still can't pick 'em.

Seattle (+3.5) vs. Chicago: And I'm free...I'm free falling! Sorry to jinx Marshawn Lynch but I'm hoping for more beast mode...who doesn't like beast mode?

Buffalo (Pk) vs. Miami: Here's our 23-17 game this week...all I have to say: Thank God for RedZone.

Carolina (+4.5) vs. Houston: Why can't Andre Johnson catch a break?

Tennessee (-6.5) vs. Indy: Again, no offense Matt Hasselbeck, but I'm kind of pulling for this to be Jake Locker and the Titans -6.5 vs. Indy.

Cincinnati (-7) vs. St. Louis: This spread opened at -3.5 and moved all the way up to -7 with no injuries and really nothing notable to speak of Vegas scccrrreeeeewwweeeddd up (I like when they're wrong).

Detroit (-3) vs. Oakland: Started at +1, now at -3...we're bringing down the house this weekend! Ndomakung Suh is back to commit more assault and battery-like plays, and the Raiders can't stop the Lions' O now back at full strength.

Jersey (-3) vs. Philly:
Vick is back, but he is hobbling to the finish. The Jets made a statement against the 'Skins on the road two weeks ago, and they need this win to keep pace with us, especially since a win for us is not a lock.

Arizona (-7) vs. Cleveland: Show me 24-3.

San Diego Super Chargers (+3) vs. Baltimore: We desperately need Baltimore to lose because they currently hold the #1 spot in the AFC, and not only do we need one, but the Chargers need one because Denver is starting to run away with the division, and hopefully they will be in a position to gain a game tonight.

Pittsburgh (-3) vs. 49ers: Holy shit ESPN got a good game. This game better be worth like 1.7 billion dollars man! Hahaha. The Niners have nothing to play for, something I should have taken into account last week when they lost to the Cards...really San Fran...really? The Cardinals? This is why no one has faith in the long-term aspirations of this team (that and the Packers).

Alright, this took entirely too long. Haha, I'm getting so distracted by movies on TV right now. Mrs. Doubtfire, Donnie Brasco, Kindergarten Cop, Beverly Hills Ninja...a loaded Sunday block I must say. It's looking like a halftime of the 1:00 games journey out into the real world today, which I hear is absolutely frigid. Stay warm, drink lots. GO PATS!!!

1:22: Just sat down to a nice bowl of cereal. Now, time for a few updates. The Seahawks just unleashed the beast for a -7 gain and a 5 yard reception inside the 10 on 2nd and 3rd and goal after Johnny Knox got absolutely blown up trying to recover a fumble (he's okay...sort of). 3-0 Hawks. Update: The Bears get called for using their own players for leverage to block a kick, 1st and Goal for Seattle...UNLEASH THE BEAST!!! Marshawn Lynch with a TD in 10 straight games. 7-0 Seattle.

GB is looking wildly human against KC, with a 3-0 lead for the Chiefs and Jordy Nelson about to receive an offensive pass interference penalty.

Lance Moore is in the end zone in Minny. 7-3 Vikings.

Rex just threw his second pick of the game, and yet the Skins are still up 3-0.

1:31: C.J. Spiller with a TD to put the Bills up 7-0 in the blinding snow! Haha, I love it. Is this the first game that's had snow in it? I want to say yes. Anyway, a team from Miami playing in the snow? Yeah I'm liking that pick a lot right now.

1:33: Green Bay getting knocked around at Arrowhead...can't even begin to get into how huge of a story this could potentially is probably the only thing that could take anything away from Pats/Tebow today.

Sunday, December 11, 2011

So I Talk To My NFL Diary (Week 14, 2011)

"Dude, the ink on his divorce hasn't even dried yet."
"Man, lawyers should get pens that don't bleed as much because it seems like the amount of time it takes for divorce papers to dry is completely unacceptable."

11:26: Yeahhhhhhhh buddy! I just made the drive from Cambridge to the Cape in like an hour and 5 minutes while abiding by most of the traffic rules. Super pumped. I'm not working, Pats are on in a little bit, I am hunngggggover. Hahaha, so let's get right to the pickeroos.

The Best Team In All Of New England (sorry Bruins and Harvard basketball) (-7.5) vs. The Formerly Boston Redskins: So Fred Davis and Trent Williams conveniently start their four games suspensions today, effectively ending their seasons. The Pats' pass rush has actually been decent to really good this year, and Andre Carter should probably have a bit of a chip on his shoulder playing in DC (thanks for just giving him to us by the way). I mean I know we give up 300 yards to QBs who have never won a start in their careers, but in no way does Rex Grossman frighten me enough to think he has enough to beat us. Davis was a HUGE part of their lineup, and they seem lost without him.

Their defense is one of those that can keep them in the game, but the thing is that there is not a human being on Earth or even any kind of cyborg/android/whatever that can cover Rob Gronkowski. He just cannot be stopped. So even if they try and take Wes away (which they will attempt but in no way have the ability to hold him down all game), you're still looking at Gronk over the middle, and if that was enough, Deion and Hernandez could easily go for 100 yards in any given game...and did I mention we have a legit 4-RB rotation...oh...and one more thing...

Tom F'ing Brady y'all!!! Haha.

Baltimore (-16.5) vs. Indy: Indy nearly pulled off the most miraculous comeback in the history of the league last week, when the Pats inexplicably stopped playing football and Dan Orlovsky and Co. were bombing on our secondary. So that worked last week...the problem with playing Baltimore is that they have the ability to put 40 up on Indy, and they also have the ability to shut them out, something our defense doesn't have. So, yeah, good (Andrew) luck with that Indy.

Green Bay (-12) vs. Oakland: After a few close calls, you definitely want to put up an ass-kicking here Green me, I'm seasoned in the ways of undefeated teams (by the way, their best chance to go back to back winning Super Bowls is to lose a regular season's terrible to lose, but you probably want to lose one in the regular season as opposed to the playoffs...because it's a sucky feeking when that goes down).

Detroit (-10) vs. Minnesota: Again, no Adrian Peterson for the Vikes...although Detroit is without Suh and Fairley on the D-line, I'll take my chances vs. Toby Gerhart.

Tennessee (+3.5) vs. New Orleans: Riding the hottest player in the league right now (Chris Johnson) and, as if Pats fans needed to hear it again, we have the Saints' first round pick next go Titans!

Philly (+3) vs. Miami: Okay, so everyone is healthy for the Eagles now, and I mean at some point, they have to make a statement game saying they don't completely suck right?...These teams have the same records! Haha, really Philly? I mean I know things haven't broke your way for the most part this season, but they're Miami bad?...I have to give them one game here, even though Vick might be rusty, and who knows how much he's going to want to run after just coming back from a rib injury that sidelined him for almost a month (doesn't that just breed so much confidence in them? haha).

Houston (+3) vs. Cincinnati: Basically, you have two even teams with Cincy getting three points for playing at home. Yes, no Andre Johnson for the Texans, but they continue to find ways to win without three of their top players (Johnson, Super Mario, Schaubie). This has 21-17 written all over it.

Atlanta (-3) vs. Carolina: Love Cam Newton, but Atlanta needs to take control of the wild card with Cutler and now Forte done for the year in Chicago, and the shitshow known as the Detroit Lions who are wobbling to the finish line like I stumbled home last night, and the night before that...

and the night before that...jeesh...

The Bucs (-2.5) vs. The Jags: I can't believe I'm saying this, but I dunno if I believe entirely in Josh Freeman right now...having said that, after last week, I'm so not picking Jacksonville...even the Colts would give them a game.

Niners (-3.5) vs. Zona: Zona needed two miracles to beat Dallas last week (how great was it when Jason Garrett iced his own kicker? hahaha). The Niners seemingly are out to dismantle everyone in this division when they play them.

Denver (-3) vs. Chicago: Picking against Tebow just doesn't work.

San Diego Super Chargers (-6.5) vs. The Bills: Yeah not happening Buffalo.

The G-Men (+5) vs. Dallas: Both teams desperately need this, and you should spot the Giants like 10 points because this is Dallas in December. Also, are you serious with a Hakeem Nicks/Victor Cruz (ZoooooooooMass!!!)/Mario Manningham receiver trio? And a Umenyiora/Tuck/Pierre-Paul trio on the D-Line? This team is frightening if they are banging on all cylinders.

Seattle (-10) vs. St. Louis: Hahaha, how did the Chris Myers game get on Monday Night Football? Ohhhhh man is there gonna have to be nothing on for me to want anything to do with this game...having said that, Marshawn Lynch is on tear right now, so that could be enjoyable.

1:01: Alright, we're about to kickoff in DC. Watching the game at a bar with my Dad, so we'll see you for the second half most likely. Leaving the Army/Navy logos in the end zones at FedEx Field is amazing by the way. Take care everyone.

2:58: Oh my God Gronk cannot be stopped!!! Warn the town the beast is loose!!! Hahaha. 27-20 Pats. Yeah, 27-20...why is this game so close? Again, letting inferior teams hang around is just unacceptable...and having said that...GRROOOOONNNNNKKKKKKKK!!!!!!!!!!!! 155 yards and 2 TDs!!! Simply unbelievable.

Elsewhere around the league, Jake Locker is in the game in Tennessee...I'm telling you, the Saints did not want to see him in this game. Panthers all over the Falcons, so apparently they didn't get the memo about grasping onto their playoff chances. Detroit killing Minny off of two defensive TDs, and the exact same can be said about the Jags scoring 28 unanswered points with two coming off of fumble recoveries for TDs inside the 5 yard line.

3:05: The secondary continues to be porous at best. Santana Moss for a first down at the Pats' 30...yikes dude. Grossman with 190, and Helu knocking on the door of 100.

3:07: Complete and utter bullshit personal foul call on Vinnie Mac for making a tackle on Evan Royster, who was on the ground, but was untouched, meaning he could get up and run. Vinnie hits him with a forearm, they call it a head shot because their helmets touched on people, it's football...that would have been a shitty call in field hockey man (for the record on BS calls, that's now two against us, one against owe us another one refs!) Helu now over 100.

3:09: Once again, we can't control play action inside the 5. Grossman gets his second TD to a wide open receiver to tie the game up...again. I'm baffled by how bad our secondary is playing. Also, despite scoring a TD on a sack in the end zone, the pass rush has been extremely inconsistent today. Rex getting this much time to throw is ridiculous...he's getting Orlovsky time here.

3:19: In case you needed a reminder of how great our offense is, there you go...that a Dub-Step I can get down to! Wes Welker in the house y'all! 34-27...what a freggin' crazy game!

3:23: Blue Royster Club sightings in DC today. Amazing. They went from Torain/Hightower to Helu/Royster, and they're probably better on the ground now than they have been all year.

3:26: McCourty with another nice, what a journey he's had today. He's gotten burned by both Jabar Gaffney and former friend to the red, white, and blue club Donte Stallworth, but he's made some great plays (including a pick that got taken off the board...see: bullshit calls).

3:29: Another reception for the dubster...oh yeah, remember Wes Welker? Yeah, he's only leading the league in both receptions and receiving yards...yeah buddy.

3:33: Wow, just a terrible play call on third down running the ball. I love the Firm, I've advocated he should get more looks...but not today. We're just smoking them in the pass game, like we don't even need to show them anything else.

3:40: McCourty with another break up. Edelman, our starting outside linebacker/slot receiver/return team tackle machine/return man extraordinaire, brings it to midfield.

3:45: Hernandez lighting it up. Woodhead having a terrific day. Down inside the 5.

3:47: Pick in the end we've thrown away three touchdowns today. Now the Skins are driving with the run game and the pass game seemingly both working out. Two horrendous defensive efforts, with DC's going a little more under the radar considering we should have close to 50 points right now.

3:53: Around the league, Jacksonville continues their onslaught on Tampa. Atlanta has come back in a big way and currently holds a one point lead in Charlotte. Jake Locker, J.P. Losman, and Joe Webb are currently QBs for their respective teams. Locker is tearing it up, although the Saints still hold an advantage. Joe Webb has been tremendous leading the Vikes all the way back to within a TD.

3:56: Continuing to let the Skins stay in this game. They (DC receivers) have been sitting down in the middle of the field against our zone, and we're getting crushed every single time. Jabar for another first down. This game should have been over hours ago.

4:03: Ohhhhhhhh huge offensive pass interference penalty on Santana Moss negating a TD. We are down to the nitty gritty. Pats up 7 with the game on the line!

4:05: MAAYYYYYOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!! It looks like there's no evidence to say he didn't catch that ball. I'm thinking interception here, and if so, we may escape Landover with a win.

Sunday, December 04, 2011

So I Talk To My NFL Diary (Week 13, 2011)

"My allergy to those f*cking fans has returned!!!"

11:18: Well here we are, at long last, a return to the running diary. Hopefully I don't get too belligerent during the 1:00 games because it would probably mean that I would be terrible typing (which I already am...but perhaps I could go down another notch perhaps never seen by mankind) and the Pats are losing...and dude, if we lose this game...I'm gonna go ahead and not think about that anymore. Let's get right to it...

(I love Virginia Tech, their fans, their alums, all of it...but that was the most shameful football performance I have ever seen. How dare you make Clemson out to be any better than the .500 team they are. Even Oklahoma State's thrashing of Oklahoma was more justifiable. All we asked is that you go out and play decent...even if they lost like that, I mean, I would have still been pissed, but I wouldn't be wanting to do vodka shots at 2:30 in the morning because I was miserable that those orange and purple loving idiots get to go to a BCS game and we get squadoosh (although I'm hoping we go to the Cotton Bowl because I'm totally going...and I mean it this time (I said I was going to the SEC Championship game last year and did not...not my fault the tickets cost more than what I make in a week...and also...probably the right move in hindsight.))

Indy (+21) vs. 3 QTRS. Of Tom Brady and Co.: I mean they're not beating us, but this has backdoor cover written all over it. Indy is like KC, but with completely nothing to lose...except another they're going to be super-feisty from the jump because this is the biggest spread I think I've seen in like five years...that usually does not end up working out...and having said all that, f___ Indy, I hope they get completely annihilated today.

Tennessee (+2.5) vs. Buffalo: Don't look now, but the Titans are contending for the playoffs, Chris Johnson is tearing it up, and you can't even tell that their best receiver has been out for like the whole year...and Buffalo keeps screwing me, so sccccrrrreeeeewwww them (this is why I don't gamble...too emotional)

Miami (-3) vs. Oakland: If you had told me two months ago that we would be in the first week of December, and the Dolphins looked better on both offense and defense than Buffalo, you would have gotten slapped...or sack-wacked...something terrible. Now, we're looking at a Miami team that was a Tony Romo shuffle in the pocket away from having a three game win streak going into this game.

Cincy (+6.5) vs. Pittsburgh: Cincy = Pesky.

Baltimore (-6.5) vs. Cleveland: Cleveland = Not Pesky.

Jersey (-3) vs. Washington: Hate the Jets, but they need this one, and they usually win games they need. Hey Shanny, a big Heeelllllllluuuuu to you too (do that all Mrs. Doubtfire and what not)! Wow, they run Helu, he gets 100 yards and they win...sometimes this game isn't that complicated.

Houston (+3) vs. Atlanta: Pretty sure T.J. Yates is getting absolutely no credit. He's actually decent, they have Andre Johnson back, big-time run game, strong defense, no Julio Jones, no Brett I missing something? Haha, the spread makes me feel like I am.

Carolina (+2) vs. Tampa: Picking Cam +2 worked out for me last week. Now you're going to see a Tampa offense that's even worse than before with Josh Johnson in there trying to keep up with the Panthers scoring? Oohhhh-tay!

Minnesota (+2.5) vs. Denver: I predicted the demise of Tebow last week...and he proved me wrong...again...but this week, they have no Von Miller, and they are playing a game that they're supposed to win. I like the comeback, underdog Tebow, not the front-runner...reminds me of, you know how that goes...

Speaking of Florida alums, Percy Harvin has been on the injury report like every week since he was a rookie. Once again, it appears as (illness) by his name today...I really like this guy...someone find this man a cure!!!

San Francisco (-13.5) vs. St. Louis: And I'm totally done picking against the Niners at home in the regular season...can't have it.

"Can I win with him?...can't do it"

Arizona (+5) vs. Dallas: Hahaha, I mean I'm hoping for a December collapse by the Cowboys as much as the next guy...I think this could actually happen. Kevin Kolb may be able to wiggle away from mediocrity for one game here.

Green Bay (-7) vs. The G-Men: If they're going to lose in the regular season, this is it.

New Orleans (-9) vs. Detroit: The Saints at home at night...anndddddd scene.

Jacksonville (+3) vs. San Diego: Nothing like a front office leak right before a game saying that Norv Turner is so fired to get your team pumped up for this the way, this rumor should have been leaked like three years ago, but Philip Rivers' performance against the Pats in the '07 AFC Championship game on one leg literally has carried him into the present day. He has shown a level of incompetence in big moments that can't be rivaled by anyone in the past or present-day. How bad must it be to be a Charger fan just knowing that no matter how good your team does, they are not gonna win shit? Sort of a Dallas kind of thing but even more hopeless it seems.

Alright, it's totally sushi/hard alcohol time. Dude, Shaw's throws down on some sushi now...they have Japanese people there rolling it...or maybe they're just faking any event, it's effort, and I can appreciate (also helps that it's comparably cheap as shit). No Patrick Chung, no Spikes, no Vollmer...all I have to say is hopefully this is a precautionary thing and we're not talking long term with any of those guys, all of whom have spent multiple weeks on the injury list this year. Alright, back in a bit...passion fruit juice and sweet tea vodka today baby (Sweet Carolina Sweet Tea Vodka mind you). It sounds good, and it is good...haha, I did like quickly debate if the passion fruit was even necessary, and then I realized that I want to watch like 10 hours of football, not one...gotta pace yourself! Yeah buddy...LET'S GO PATS!!!

1:05: Hey-oh! Starting off with a holding call, Orlovski showing some life after a holding call, but get's saaccckkkeedddd!!! on 3rd down! Oh punt that!

1:10: It's just another day being Wes Welker. A little Firm, a little Capt. Faulk, and we are a moving!

1:13: Oh a Captain fumble!!! Ahhhh, but on further lookback in super slow-mo...there's no way that was a fumble...and here comes the red flag from the sock...and the drive continues!

1:17: Marv Albert notated that last 3rd down Brady scramble as being of "some nifty moves"...well he avoided concussion at the last minute with two Indy linebackers bearing down on him...I'll say that. Gostkowski FG (6th all time in efficiency kid!). 3-0 Pats.

1:21: Haha, Minny has 3rd and goal at the Bronco 2 become 1st and 10 Broncos at the that's kinda how that's going. Dan Orlovsky, as if it was not mentioned before, could become the 1st QB to start for winless teams...that would actually be an amazing feat...let's make history!!!

1:26: Annnndddd we're in "walking in cement boots" mode here. Just gotta get a spark going. Vince just crushed Donald Brown, but another 1st dizzie for Indy.

1:29: Wow, yet another great tackle by Vinnie Mac, but Orlovsky continues to march on us...this is that little spark I was speaking of earlier...don't let them think that today is going to be different than the rest of the year Pats!

1:32: Matty Ice with two picks to start. Chris Johnson just sneaks through right side of the line, slips out of potential tackles...vintage CJ. 10-7 Titans.

1:35: Indy all over us now at the 1. 3rd and goal after a near acrobatic catch by Tamme. Vince Wilfork has shown up big time for us todday.

1:37: False start! Huuuuggggeeee!!! Back that bus up!!!

Matt Forte got rocked in his knee. He's out for the game and hopefully that's it.

1:41: Roy Helu running all over the Jets in DC. See...isn't this better Shanny? 60 yards and a TD. Who's rocking it for my fantasy bench? That guy! (Arian Foster, The Firm, and Peyton Hillis ahead of him...I mean what are ya gonna do?)

1:44: Reggie Bush doing likewise. Haha.

1:45: If there's ever a doubt, you give it to Wes, i.e. Rinco, and you set it and forget it kid! Move those chains!

Ohhhh, big hit on the Dubster...coulda been illegal...I dunno, it looked like football to me.

1:47: Kinda unnecessary throw down the sidelines to Deion, who played amazing defense to break up the pick. On the punt, a near fumblerooski, but seems like down by contact. And this game continues to trudge along...not good...

1:50: Mendenhall just working the Bungles. Two touchdowns on the day. Miami with another sack on Carson Palmer. Chris Johnson is back in a big way.

1:53: That drive was so quick by Indy that I totally missed it...which is awesome. First down good guys at the 15.

1:55: Haha, they had Danny Woodhead double-covered...I'm thinking they saw that coming.

1:56: Bill told his team to not treat Indy like a winless team...we're totally treating them like a winless team. Bring out the rebel in you Bill! Go crazy man!

1:57: Okay here we go now. Two carries for the Firm, two throws to Gronk, Hernandez, Neon Deion...yeah dude.

2:02: Oh the human chain mover is back! It's that #83 again after a great avoidance by Tom Terrific!

2:04: GRRRROOOOOOONNNNNNNKKKKKKK! He is such a machine!!! 12 TDs now! Wooooo, 10-3. Yeah-yah (this is what we needed by the way)

2:12: Yeah Devin McCourty being back! Haha, oh man I had no idea!

Kyle Rudolph might get Calvin Johnson'd on his catch...I hope not...that catch was nuts.

2:15: I will never like Rich Gannon...ever...I hear him, and all I hear in his voice about the Pats is "you son of a bitches cost me a Super Bowl"...yup, we did...blame them, not us bitch.

2:18: First down at the 1, and we go play action...interesting...that's one of those ones that looked bad, but if we pulled it out, it would have been nuts.

2:24: The FIRM baby! That's how that shit goes!!! 17-3 Pats...the Firm continues to be open on Sundays!

2:25: Skins going to the air a lot on this latest drive getting them inside the 5, esp. on 1st and goal, and 2nd and goal...and 3rd and goal? And to a checkdown on 3rd down? Come on man!

2:27: Wow Antonio Brown is nasty...honestly, if Ben wasn't their QB, and their fans didn't venomously hate us so much, I would really like them.

2:57: A half hour break for food provides TWO TDs to Gronk. The most TDs by a tight end in a season, uh, evvvaaaahhhhhh dude! 31-3 Pats...oh there's a reason we were favored by that much.

3:10: Seymour just got kicked out of the game in Miami. They now break the all-time record for most personal fouls on a defense in a season...and still plenty of time for them to add on to it this year.

Mike Wallace = nasty. Cincy = not pesky. Haha, I thought one of those Ohio teams would make it tough for their opponent...maybe Cleveland w/ no Ray Lewis for the Ravens and a fully healthy Peyton Hillis?

3:16: Donald Brown is in for the score, and at this point, gambling comes full circle. Will the Pats take Tom out? They already took out the Firm, they're sprinkling Edelman in there already...also, now that the TD reception was wiped away, perhaps another Gronk hookup is in order?

3:22: Tom is back, but the offense stalls on three downs. Tebowmania strikes once again in Minny. Man...yet again...completely out of nowhere. Running to the sidelines, hits Demaryius Thomas, and he somehow maneuvers his way in for the score. Denver down 1...I'm sorry, you gotta love this.

3:30: Tom Brady...still in??? I mean, at some point, I'm thinking we need a Brian Hoyer cameo. Elsewhere, Cam Newton has his 3rd rushing TD of the game, his 13th on the season. If ever there was a QB made for fantasy football, it's Cam Newton (and prob. a healthy Michael Vick).

3:40: Pierre Garcon for a touchdown...and there's your backdoor cover. Man, if I could nail it down a little better on the other shit, I would be spooky good at this.

3:42: Percy Harvin in again!!! 2 TDs and 145 yards, ahhh good for him!!!