So I Talk To My NFL Diary (Week 16, 2011)

"Football? Football? What's a football? With unconscious will my voice squeaked out 'football'''.

11:08: Well, we are definitely having a white Christmas...eve...ehhh, close enough! Never ceases to amaze me how wacky the weather changes are here. Over the Sagamore Bridge, it was like driving through a blizzard, and over here on the Bourne Bridge side (which is approx. 15 mins. away in case you did not know), we have blue skies, sunshine...I mean sure it's still cold as shit, but it's a beautiful day outside. Anyway, wait, where were we? Oh yeah, football.

So from what I'm gathering, there is definitely some underlying tension Pats fans are having with an injury list that continues to pile up (although Patrick Chung is back today), and a Miami team that has seen somewhat of a resurgence, and has managed to keep the pieces together through a coaching change 3/4 of the way through the season (a change that occurred during a 3-1 stretch mind you). One word basically describes Reggie Bush's season...vintage. Man does he have a pop to his step that we haven't seen since his early Saints days. Miami could have potentially duped the Saints into selling low on another franchise running back, with the first being Ricky Williams.

This secondary is good, but let's not forget that Tom Brady totally had 500 yards against them in the season opener, and I know, there was a shortened offseason, minicamps, OTA, etc. Dude, 500 yards? "I don't care who you play." That is pretty damn impressive. They have no one to stop the WHONK, with Vontae Davis much more of a shutdown the outside corner than a do-anything type of corner (he's more Champ Bailey than Darelle Revis if that helps...it probably didn't), meaning that the entirety of Miami's chances to at least attempt to slow us down will have to come from pressure on Brady, and Karlos Dansby, who is a solid player, but even he can't control Welker, Hernandez, and the new face of awesome, Gronk. Denver did everything they could to stop Welker and Gronk last week, and they were successful to the most part, but they were caught napping on like four or five plays and Brady just torched them, and that's really all it takes. If Brady is Brady, we'll kill them...book it. Here's the thing: Sometimes things go awry, and it's almost dumbfounding to watch some of the throws, because it's so not Brady...and he knows it, which is why he gets super pissed when he misses a throw, or a receiver runs a wrong route...he gets a little frustrated...but I'm hoping for Christmas beatdown today...I can see it getting close at times, but I'm seeing like a 14-17 point victory here...annnndddddddd segway...

Pats (-8.5) vs. The Fins: Basically for all the reasons listed above, and the fact that Matt Moore beating us would totally be Grinching us, and I won't have it.

KC (-2.5) vs. Oakland: Ummm, so I was completely wrong about Kyle Orton! Holy shit was he good! So KC probably ends up getting a better QB in Orton than the one they started with in Matty Cassel...funny how that works out. Oh, and Carson Palmer is looking very 2010-like instead of the 2004-2008 Palmer which he showed for like a month...it's all ovaaaahhhh dude!

Denver (-2.5) vs. Buffalo: I'm not saying you should go all Gomer Pyle on yourself like in Full Metal Jacket for betting against Tebow, but yeah, betting against him is like blowing your head off in a bathroom after you just shot the dick drill sergeant who had arguably one of the top 10 scenes in movie history (which Family Guy parodied to an amazing level last week, but I couldn't find that, so here's elves cursing, enjoy!).

Tennessee (-7) vs. Jacksonville: Lots of favorites...that can't be good for me...oh well. I'm picking Tennessee this week even though they shit the bed against Indy (who in all fairness looked really good last week). Hasselbeck is inexplicably still the QB...I'm all for giving a little leeway to vets for past performance (see: Donovan McNabb this year), but there is no way you're telling me this team is better with Hasselbeck vs. Locker, especially given the energy Locker brings to this offense.

Cleveland (+11) vs. Baltimore: Yes, an underdog! Nice dude. Actually yeah, I like Cleveland with Seneca at the QB right now. No Boldin for the Ravens, so load up on Ray Rice and make Flacco beat you...that's actually been a winning strategy in the past, and after a huge game from Peyton Hillis last week, there's reason to believe he's back to 100%, or very close to it.

The G-Men (+2.5) vs. Jets: I have more faith in Eli Manning than Mark Sanchez...like way more faith...that can't be good you Rex Ryan.

Cincinnati (-4) vs. Zona: Kevin Kolb is back...so I'm picking against him obviously.

Minnesota (+7) vs. Washington: Oh man, no Roy Helu? That's a big blow to the Skins, who now will be relying on Evan Royster...and that's it. All Day, defense, and wacky shit will be key for Minny.

Carolina (-7.5) vs. Tampa: I originally had Tampa, but that team has screwed me fake-gambling wise and fantasy-wise all freggin' year, so scccaaaareeeeewwww them (that's that Christmas spirit I'm talking about!)

Pittsburgh (-10) vs. St. Louis: Really mad at myself for going w/ the Steelers last week. Clearly playing the Niners in a primetime situation in their house is not the ideal situation to be in. Having said that, the Rams are just dreadful, and have amazingly got themselves back into the Luck sweepstakes by being terrible and having Indy win their first game last week.

Detroit (-2.5) vs. San Diego: This move is purely based on the amazing splits of just how well the Chargers do at home and how hopelessly awful they are on the road. This is a weird 4:00 game because it features a Cali team not playing in Cali...and in Detroit of all places.

I'd like to use this space to say that Ndomakung Suh is a total thug...but he's a tremendous football player.

Seattle (+3) vs. San Fran: Free the beast!!! Plus, Seattle at home, San Fran on a short week...yeah I'm all about it.

Philly (+1) vs. Dallas: After watching them last week, I've convinced myself that the Eagles "are who we thought they were!!!" This is the team that was supposed to dominate this division from the jump. Also, no DeMarco, no Felix Jones...who is going to run the ball for them? Sammy Morris? I mean I love the guy, but not as THE guy.

Green Bay (-insert any number lower than 30 here) vs. Chicago: The spread is actually -11, but I'm predicting a humungous bounce back from the Pack tonight...is there a better matchup to play on Christmas Eve than this? I think not.

New Orleans (-7) vs. Atlanta: New Orleans, at home, at night...wait, why do they keep getting all these primetime games at home? Damn...Drew Brees should get 6,000 yards the way this schedule is breaking for them. No bueno for our first round pick we're getting for them though.

12:53: Hopefully I'll be staying on this at least until the Chinese food gets here and I'm watching A Christmas Story (Chinese food on Christmas Eve is absolutely amazing by the way). Merry Christmas everyone! LET'S GO PATS!!! SQUISH THE FISH!!!

1:03: Starting temp. in Foxboro: 31 degrees. Starting temp. in Buffalo: 35 degrees...is it me or is that the strangest freggin' thing you've ever seen?

1:05: Reggie Bush has been freakishly effective so far. Apparently there's a huge mismatch on Shaun Ellis' side, so that could be a developing story. Eaaarrrrllllyyyy timeout by the 'Fins...it's RedZone time!

1:08: There's mention of how A.J. Green will be covered by "rookie phenom corner Patrick Peterson." I think Peterson has a ton of potential, but he is no phenom corner...he's a phenom return man for sure, but A.J. Green should tear it up today.

1:10: Dolphins got to the Pats' 30 all of a sudden. Devone Bess (huge in Hawaii!) makes a catch to get them to the 25. That play is now under review. Dan Fouts, who is doing color commentary, just said "why would you challenge that?...you only move the field goal back 5 yards." Ahhh, dude, if the call was wrong (it clearly was by the way), what is the point of having challenges if you don't, ummm, challenge shit? Hahaha, I mean maybe that's me.

1:15: Carpenter is good from 48. 3-0 Miami.

McGahee was ruled to have gotten a TD in Buffalo, but that's getting reviewed...and it's coming back to the half yard line. It's time, it's Tebow time!

Jets went for it on 4th down from the G-Men 35. They ran a horrible play that resulted in an incomplete pass (and one could argue a lateral that was recovered by the Giants), but the G-Men had 12 men on the field...ugggghhhhhh.

1:18: No Matt Light, no Sebastian Vollmer. We have Logan Mankins, our Pro Bowl guard, at left tackle, and Nate Solder, a rookie, at right tackle.

Woodie with two rushes for the first down, including one with Aaron Hernandez in the backfield...I'm sorry, you gotta love the Pats!

1:22: All Wes all the time. Three targets already, one catch. Jeremiah Bell just scored a sack on Brady. They've hit him three times now as well. This patchwork line is killing the franchise! Step it up boys! Big Z punts it down to the 15.

1:29: Reggie still running wild, but a bad handoff exchange, and yet another Miami timeout has us back on the momentum train.

Back-to-back Gamecock sightings with a Ryan (Wooooooooo) Succop FG. 3-3 there, and a HUGE TD to Jared Cook. 55 yarder. 10-0 Titans.

1:35: Tom is getting killed today. Miami is stacking the line repeatedly, and getting pressure through. Jason Taylor gets a sack. 3 and out after a failed pass attempt to, who else, the Dubster.

1:41: Miami goes three and out. Pats fresh off a first down after an Aaron Hernandez catch. Logan Mankins got rolled up on earlier, so he's out of the game...jeesh. I expect Miami to be blitzing, umm, all the time now.

1:43: The aforemetioned Vontae Davis breaks up a Wes Welker pass which I aforementioned would not happen...whoops. Anyway, he's good. Speaking of good, Big Z kicked the crap out of the last punt. Fish inside their own 20 to start.

1:47: Giant pass play to Brandon Marshall. McCourty had good coverage, but never turned around to see the ball. He's been getting better in recent weeks though after a really slow start this year.

Jake Long is now on the Miami sidelines...bad day to be a left tackle.

1:48: Brandon Marshall makes a TD catch in traffic. 10-0 'Fins...this is not what I had in mind at all. Hopefully this is like last week and we can get a spark going here (that would mean throw to Gronk by the way).