So I Talk To My NFL Diary (Week 13, 2011)

"My allergy to those f*cking fans has returned!!!"

11:18: Well here we are, at long last, a return to the running diary. Hopefully I don't get too belligerent during the 1:00 games because it would probably mean that I would be terrible typing (which I already am...but perhaps I could go down another notch perhaps never seen by mankind) and the Pats are losing...and dude, if we lose this game...I'm gonna go ahead and not think about that anymore. Let's get right to it...

(I love Virginia Tech, their fans, their alums, all of it...but that was the most shameful football performance I have ever seen. How dare you make Clemson out to be any better than the .500 team they are. Even Oklahoma State's thrashing of Oklahoma was more justifiable. All we asked is that you go out and play decent...even if they lost like that, I mean, I would have still been pissed, but I wouldn't be wanting to do vodka shots at 2:30 in the morning because I was miserable that those orange and purple loving idiots get to go to a BCS game and we get squadoosh (although I'm hoping we go to the Cotton Bowl because I'm totally going...and I mean it this time (I said I was going to the SEC Championship game last year and did not...not my fault the tickets cost more than what I make in a week...and also...probably the right move in hindsight.))

Indy (+21) vs. 3 QTRS. Of Tom Brady and Co.: I mean they're not beating us, but this has backdoor cover written all over it. Indy is like KC, but with completely nothing to lose...except another game...so they're going to be super-feisty from the jump because this is the biggest spread I think I've seen in like five years...that usually does not end up working out...and having said all that, f___ Indy, I hope they get completely annihilated today.

Tennessee (+2.5) vs. Buffalo: Don't look now, but the Titans are contending for the playoffs, Chris Johnson is tearing it up, and you can't even tell that their best receiver has been out for like the whole year...and Buffalo keeps screwing me, so sccccrrrreeeeewwww them (this is why I don't gamble...too emotional)

Miami (-3) vs. Oakland: If you had told me two months ago that we would be in the first week of December, and the Dolphins looked better on both offense and defense than Buffalo, you would have gotten slapped...or sack-wacked...something terrible. Now, we're looking at a Miami team that was a Tony Romo shuffle in the pocket away from having a three game win streak going into this game.

Cincy (+6.5) vs. Pittsburgh: Cincy = Pesky.

Baltimore (-6.5) vs. Cleveland: Cleveland = Not Pesky.

Jersey (-3) vs. Washington: Hate the Jets, but they need this one, and they usually win games they need. Hey Shanny, a big Heeelllllllluuuuu to you too (do that all Mrs. Doubtfire and what not)! Wow, they run Helu, he gets 100 yards and they win...sometimes this game isn't that complicated.

Houston (+3) vs. Atlanta: Pretty sure T.J. Yates is getting absolutely no credit. He's actually decent, they have Andre Johnson back, big-time run game, strong defense, no Julio Jones, no Brett Grimes...am I missing something? Haha, the spread makes me feel like I am.

Carolina (+2) vs. Tampa: Picking Cam +2 worked out for me last week. Now you're going to see a Tampa offense that's even worse than before with Josh Johnson in there trying to keep up with the Panthers scoring? Oohhhh-tay!

Minnesota (+2.5) vs. Denver: I predicted the demise of Tebow last week...and he proved me wrong...again...but this week, they have no Von Miller, and they are playing a game that they're supposed to win. I like the comeback, underdog Tebow, not the front-runner...reminds me of Florida...so...yeah, you know how that goes...

Speaking of Florida alums, Percy Harvin has been on the injury report like every week since he was a rookie. Once again, it appears as (illness) by his name today...I really like this guy...someone find this man a cure!!!

San Francisco (-13.5) vs. St. Louis: And I'm totally done picking against the Niners at home in the regular season...can't have it.

"Can I win with him?...can't do it"

Arizona (+5) vs. Dallas: Hahaha, I mean I'm hoping for a December collapse by the Cowboys as much as the next guy...I think this could actually happen. Kevin Kolb may be able to wiggle away from mediocrity for one game here.

Green Bay (-7) vs. The G-Men: If they're going to lose in the regular season, this is it.

New Orleans (-9) vs. Detroit: The Saints at home at night...anndddddd scene.

Jacksonville (+3) vs. San Diego: Nothing like a front office leak right before a game saying that Norv Turner is so fired to get your team pumped up for this one...by the way, this rumor should have been leaked like three years ago, but Philip Rivers' performance against the Pats in the '07 AFC Championship game on one leg literally has carried him into the present day. He has shown a level of incompetence in big moments that can't be rivaled by anyone in the past or present-day. How bad must it be to be a Charger fan just knowing that no matter how good your team does, they are not gonna win shit? Sort of a Dallas kind of thing but even more hopeless it seems.

Alright, it's totally sushi/hard alcohol time. Dude, Shaw's throws down on some sushi now...they have Japanese people there rolling it...or maybe they're just faking it...in any event, it's effort, and I can appreciate (also helps that it's comparably cheap as shit). No Patrick Chung, no Spikes, no Vollmer...all I have to say is hopefully this is a precautionary thing and we're not talking long term with any of those guys, all of whom have spent multiple weeks on the injury list this year. Alright, back in a bit...passion fruit juice and sweet tea vodka today baby (Sweet Carolina Sweet Tea Vodka mind you). It sounds good, and it is good...haha, I did like quickly debate if the passion fruit was even necessary, and then I realized that I want to watch like 10 hours of football, not one...gotta pace yourself! Yeah buddy...LET'S GO PATS!!!

1:05: Hey-oh! Starting off with a holding call, Orlovski showing some life after a holding call, but get's saaccckkkeedddd!!! on 3rd down! Oh punt that!

1:10: It's just another day being Wes Welker. A little Firm, a little Capt. Faulk, and we are a moving!

1:13: Oh a Captain fumble!!! Ahhhh, but on further lookback in super slow-mo...there's no way that was a fumble...and here comes the red flag from the sock...and the drive continues!

1:17: Marv Albert notated that last 3rd down Brady scramble as being of "some nifty moves"...well he avoided concussion at the last minute with two Indy linebackers bearing down on him...I'll say that. Gostkowski FG (6th all time in efficiency kid!). 3-0 Pats.

1:21: Haha, Minny has 3rd and goal at the Bronco 2 become 1st and 10 Broncos at the 50...so that's kinda how that's going. Dan Orlovsky, as if it was not mentioned before, could become the 1st QB to start for winless teams...that would actually be an amazing feat...let's make history!!!

1:26: Annnndddd we're in "walking in cement boots" mode here. Just gotta get a spark going. Vince just crushed Donald Brown, but another 1st dizzie for Indy.

1:29: Wow, yet another great tackle by Vinnie Mac, but Orlovsky continues to march on us...this is that little spark I was speaking of earlier...don't let them think that today is going to be different than the rest of the year Pats!

1:32: Matty Ice with two picks to start. Chris Johnson just sneaks through right side of the line, slips out of potential tackles...vintage CJ. 10-7 Titans.

1:35: Indy all over us now at the 1. 3rd and goal after a near acrobatic catch by Tamme. Vince Wilfork has shown up big time for us todday.

1:37: False start! Huuuuggggeeee!!! Back that bus up!!!

Matt Forte got rocked in his knee. He's out for the game and hopefully that's it.

1:41: Roy Helu running all over the Jets in DC. See...isn't this better Shanny? 60 yards and a TD. Who's rocking it for my fantasy bench? That guy! (Arian Foster, The Firm, and Peyton Hillis ahead of him...I mean what are ya gonna do?)

1:44: Reggie Bush doing likewise. Haha.

1:45: If there's ever a doubt, you give it to Wes, i.e. Rinco, and you set it and forget it kid! Move those chains!

Ohhhh, big hit on the Dubster...coulda been illegal...I dunno, it looked like football to me.

1:47: Kinda unnecessary throw down the sidelines to Deion, who played amazing defense to break up the pick. On the punt, a near fumblerooski, but seems like down by contact. And this game continues to trudge along...not good...

1:50: Mendenhall just working the Bungles. Two touchdowns on the day. Miami with another sack on Carson Palmer. Chris Johnson is back in a big way.

1:53: That drive was so quick by Indy that I totally missed it...which is awesome. First down good guys at the 15.

1:55: Haha, they had Danny Woodhead double-covered...I'm thinking they saw that coming.

1:56: Bill told his team to not treat Indy like a winless team...we're totally treating them like a winless team. Bring out the rebel in you Bill! Go crazy man!

1:57: Okay here we go now. Two carries for the Firm, two throws to Gronk, Hernandez, Neon Deion...yeah dude.

2:02: Oh the human chain mover is back! It's that #83 again after a great avoidance by Tom Terrific!

2:04: GRRRROOOOOOONNNNNNNKKKKKKK! He is such a machine!!! 12 TDs now! Wooooo, 10-3. Yeah-yah (this is what we needed by the way)

2:12: Yeah Devin McCourty being back! Haha, oh man I had no idea!

Kyle Rudolph might get Calvin Johnson'd on his catch...I hope not...that catch was nuts.

2:15: I will never like Rich Gannon...ever...I hear him, and all I hear in his voice about the Pats is "you son of a bitches cost me a Super Bowl"...yup, we did...blame them, not us bitch.

2:18: First down at the 1, and we go play action...interesting...that's one of those ones that looked bad, but if we pulled it out, it would have been nuts.

2:24: The FIRM baby! That's how that shit goes!!! 17-3 Pats...the Firm continues to be open on Sundays!

2:25: Skins going to the air a lot on this latest drive getting them inside the 5, esp. on 1st and goal, and 2nd and goal...and 3rd and goal? And to a checkdown on 3rd down? Come on man!

2:27: Wow Antonio Brown is nasty...honestly, if Ben wasn't their QB, and their fans didn't venomously hate us so much, I would really like them.

2:57: A half hour break for food provides TWO TDs to Gronk. The most TDs by a tight end in a season, uh, evvvaaaahhhhhh dude! 31-3 Pats...oh there's a reason we were favored by that much.

3:10: Seymour just got kicked out of the game in Miami. They now break the all-time record for most personal fouls on a defense in a season...and still plenty of time for them to add on to it this year.

Mike Wallace = nasty. Cincy = not pesky. Haha, I thought one of those Ohio teams would make it tough for their opponent...maybe Cleveland w/ no Ray Lewis for the Ravens and a fully healthy Peyton Hillis?

3:16: Donald Brown is in for the score, and at this point, gambling comes full circle. Will the Pats take Tom out? They already took out the Firm, they're sprinkling Edelman in there already...also, now that the TD reception was wiped away, perhaps another Gronk hookup is in order?

3:22: Tom is back, but the offense stalls on three downs. Tebowmania strikes once again in Minny. Man...yet again...completely out of nowhere. Running to the sidelines, hits Demaryius Thomas, and he somehow maneuvers his way in for the score. Denver down 1...I'm sorry, you gotta love this.

3:30: Tom Brady...still in??? I mean, at some point, I'm thinking we need a Brian Hoyer cameo. Elsewhere, Cam Newton has his 3rd rushing TD of the game, his 13th on the season. If ever there was a QB made for fantasy football, it's Cam Newton (and prob. a healthy Michael Vick).

3:40: Pierre Garcon for a touchdown...and there's your backdoor cover. Man, if I could nail it down a little better on the other shit, I would be spooky good at this.

3:42: Percy Harvin in again!!! 2 TDs and 145 yards, ahhh good for him!!!